I have now had a migraine for days and also feel heavy aches in my arms and legs. I don’t normally get migraines like this one. I can barely do anything. I then get annoyed at myself for not getting things done. I don’t care what the pregnancy test said. I am sure that I could be in that state. It takes a while for the hormone to build up when someone has only just got pregnant. Those hormones can affect everyone differently. It isn’t just wishful thinking here. I have an intuitive feeling but I don’t want to get my hopes up until a test confirms that I was right. I didn’t test at the right time so if I wait a little longer the hormone levels may have risen enough to detect. I did have a monthly slightly earlier than it was suppose to be and it wasn’t like normal. It has only been 18 days since it could have happened. That is far too early to pick any hormones up. And I last took a test Thursday so that would have been 13 days after that night.
I think that it may have been just at the end of that ovulation window so it won’t be like my previous pregnancy. I know exactly when that is happening. I can feel the hormonal changes because I can get annoyed at the smallest things. I get emotional to the point where I literally cry if I’m not on antidepressants. I never used to be as emotional until I had my son. I don’t know what mother hormones do but I literally cried at so many things. I never was the type to cry before I had a child.
This wasn’t exactly planned but if it has happened I’d like to take the opportunity to get everything right this time. I know that I messed up big time with my son. I can’t get that time back with him and I know that the adoptive parents will now see him as part of their family. I can’t undo my failings back then but until he’s grown up I can’t possibly get another chance to fix that. I may never get a chance to fix my mistakes if he doesn’t come to find me as an adult. He may be happy with his life and not want to find me. Another child gives me a second chance and then I no longer will feel so guilty that I let my first child down when I was younger. I will stop feeling hate for myself over how I crumbled under the pressure of children’s services’ involvement and caused them to take him away. I never harmed him. I said the wrong thing because I thought that I’d hurt him by accident. Then took him for tests, found nothing wrong but never returned him because I was told to sign a Section 20 and then they took the case to court to get an official Interim Care Order. That set off the adoption process. I was pushed to say the wrong thing but I still hate myself and blame myself a lot. I wish I had been aware of the systems tricks the first time I became a mother because I wouldn’t have signed anything to say that they could access my records. That won’t be happening again either. There will be no signing of a Section 20. I will just have to hope that they don’t get a care order when any of my future children are born.