I have felt stuck to my bed all day. The thought of getting up just was too much. I only got up to feed cats and use the toilet. I think that I have a migraine about to make an appearance too. I can’t be lazy all day because it’s a mess in my flat. I am trying to wake up first. I actually sprayed dry anti frizz shampoo on my hair so that it lasts a few more days until it needs to be washed. I know I’m gaining weight but I still don’t want to walk much. I don’t like the cold or mornings at the moment. I would love to feel like I’m in control of everything in life but I’m definitely behind myself. The cats also do their business in the litter tray at the wrong times. I still have my cold flu type thing but it’s not like it was last week. I’m just fed up with my surroundings. I feel tied up in knots and completely disorganised.
There have been many of us from marginalised communities fighting to have our voices heard for many years. This means that being told to keep quiet by even family members is technically ruining all those tiring years of fighting to be heard. Or being punished for trying to be heard (in my own case). I cannot change how I feel or who I am however much that is what I’d like to do at the moment. I’m depressed over how I feel so if that was a choice then I’d definitely not be wanting to feel this way. I don’t care about what certain other people think after how I was treated by them.
I have been campaigning for over a decade. We have all worked hard to get to this point. I have finally started to get my credibility back after the system tried to take it away from me as a teenager. I’m definitely not going to waste some of that new found respect by holding back on anything I think should be said. I am not doing anything wrong by stating my views. Freedom of speech isn’t against the law… yet. We are allowed to have feelings regardless whether others agree with them or not. Others don’t need to accept my feelings or views. I want to express myself when it comes to things that continue to impact on my depression. I feel quite down about things that have happened. The way I’ve been impacted in regards to how I feel about myself hasn’t been positive and I will continue to think negatively about who I am as a person for a long time.
I don’t want to rush back into life at the moment. I’m tired all the time from things that have happened. It takes time to repair from traumatic events. I won’t ever get over some things. I can’t stop feeling depressed on demand. I can’t not be lesbian. I can’t not have feelings for someone that is totally a negative influence on my life. Reinforcing the do not talk about certain things is sending me a message that as a person my existence isn’t okay. We all have the right to exist and express ourselves. I have been physically ill on and off for a few years because of the stress I feel from others expectations. I still have this flu thing after 3 weeks. Admittedly it has got a bit better but it’s getting on my nerves now. I’ve been tired for a long time. That is all the result of years of fighting for people like myself to have a voice. The stress has absolutely destroyed my hormones to the point where I suffer badly every time I’m on a monthly. I have had enough of being told what I can and cannot say. I’m very aware of people potentially stirring things online. I know that I’ve done absolutely nothing wrong though! I’m fighting for change, like many others and sometimes that involves putting yourself out there. There is no such thing as privacy since the rise of the internet.
I will always have depression if I continue living a lie. If I’m not true to myself then things are going to keep literally appearing right in front of my eyes making things glaringly obvious. I don’t like men. I can’t make myself straight however much I try to make myself attracted to men. I just don’t find them attractive at all. I find women attractive but I feel like I can’t be myself. I feel that others expect me to be straight. I don’t feel able to date women because of things that have happened and I was brought up in an traditional type family where I was conditioned to end up in a straight relationship. I don’t think my dad would have even been happy with me discovering I’m a lesbian. I’m sure that he has probably washed his hands of me from beyond the grave for other reasons already.
I’m still far from over the woman that I did fall in love with back in 2014. It is terribly hard when the person I most wanted to be in a relationship with (despite how they treated me) will never love me for who I am. I can’t get over the only person I truly fell in love with just because others tell me that I should. I’m also not going to be able to let go how they made me feel due to the way that they treated me. I don’t feel that I should have to apologise for developing feelings for someone. It was only wrong in the context of how we met. They were exactly my type. I never knew what my type was until I met them. I tried to deny it for so long due to others making me feel awful for the feelings that I had for such a long time. I would love the other person to consider giving me a chance in the future but they’ll never give me a chance and that hurts. That also stops me wanting to start a relationship with anyone else because it’s not fair if I still have feelings for someone else.
I also increasingly wish that I could get justice for what I’ve found out in regards to the lies in my mental health notes on the system. I lost my son to adoption because of those incorrect notes. I thought that I’d feel better about what happened after finding out what had been on the notes knowing that I really didn’t have a chance against lies. I feel the opposite though due to not even being able to have letterbox contact with my son and his adoptive parents. I was denied the last link to my son because of the notes on the system. I feel that I should obtain some kind of justice even if it’s just compensation. I would be satisfied if I received an official apology from the system because at least they would have admitted that they were wrong to put me through the hell of having my baby son ripped away from me for adoption. I want justice for how awfully I’ve been treated by the services too. I don’t feel like it’s okay yet. It’s far from okay until I at least get an apology from everyone involved in failing me or putting untrue assumptions on the system about me. I’m always frustrated because I cannot legally do anything about what the services have done to my life. I feel that this option should be widely available, but it seems that if you don’t have the money then you just have to ‘put up and shut up’. Those that know me will understand that putting up and shutting up definitely isn’t me if I see things that have been done wrong towards me.
I woke up feeling really rough this morning (well this afternoon if you want to be precise). I definitely know that I’m not going to be a Mother again any time soon because I got another monthly. That’s not a positive sign when half of me got my hopes up that I could have another child. I’m feeling disappointed but there is no way that I can possibly convince myself there is any hope of pregnancy now. I was longing to have another child again, mainly to get everything right this time and not feel a failure due to what happened with my first child. I am aware of how age won’t be on my side in a few years. I didn’t want to be older than 35 when I had another baby. I had older parents and am very aware of the genetic risk of passing on autism if I get pregnant later in life. I’m still not quite over the flu. I have barely managed to do much last week because my cold made me feel so unwell.
I have barely walked much for a while and I’m looking more chubby due to the lack of exercise. I didn’t want to do toning exercises until I knew if I was definitely not pregnant. I now hate my body because it’s just fatter for no reason now. I’m sure that I’ll be less bloated once my monthly has passed but at the age of 32 my body is starting to widen and I can no longer fit into clothes that I used to wear for years. I get told that I look okay even at a larger size but it isn’t who I am. I don’t feel me at a larger size yet. The BMI stuff also makes me feel like crap too. If I go up a size then I’m classed as overweight. I’m already classed as slightly overweight at a size 10. I don’t see 12 as a hugely overweight size but according to the BMI it’s a negative size to accept as your natural size. There are women I’ve known throughout my life who have always been bigger built naturally. They have never been within the normal BMI range. These women have learned not to let it get to them. I wish that I could be that confident about that system seeing me as slightly overweight. I am not naturally skinny. I have curves which weigh a percentage of my entire body weight. I don’t eat many unhealthy things either.
I know that as an autistic I just won’t understand certain things when it comes to others and how they socially function etc. However, I let what happened with a certain person get to me quite a lot. The whole situation has affected my confidence and me as a person. I just can’t get certain things out of my head. It isn’t anything to do with my feelings for the other person anymore (despite what she put me through I will always have some there). This is about the message that I’ve taken deep within myself after the things that happened. I’ve incorporated certain things into my inner self that isn’t helpful for getting on with my life. I know that others have their faults and I can’t blame myself solely for every single action that has happened. However, I do feel like I must be evil to have been treated that way by someone. I must have deserved it for some reason, even if it was just my karma.
I no longer give a crap what people think of me. I literally tried to please everyone my entire life until recently. There is just no way to keep everyone happy and stay comfortable yourself both physically and mentally. If people know that you’re a giving or naïve person through reputation then they’re going to push those boundaries until they no longer exist. I never used to see the importance of boundaries in life. I now know that they are sometimes the only way to protect yourself from getting involved in anything that could turn potentially toxic. I just can’t understand how there are so many toxic people freely walking around society. These types aren’t stopped from doing destructive things to others lives. They freely go around causing trouble by using forms of manipulation. They do not get sectioned and most of those that deserve to be imprisoned dodge even a conviction. It just isn’t right. There are probably many certified psychopaths/sociopaths walking around freely in society, a high percentage may be in the most powerful positions. They never get labelled because pure psychopaths/sociopaths are extremely intelligent individuals. They remember every single lie that they tell anyone. This means that they never get singled out as a potential danger.
I’m in some support groups for those that have had their lives destroyed by narcissists. I read stories all the time with frustrating outcomes where the narc never gets their life ruined but the other person has their lives ripped apart. I just don’t think that it is fair. But I still question whether I’m evil due to how I’ve been treated for my autism traits. I still assume that I’m an awful person due to the things that have happened. There have been times that I’ve even believed that I must have an evil soul or something. That is how badly the things that happened with the other person. They really had a deep impact on me and I don’t understand why. That has literally never happened with anyone else I’ve ever met in my life. I never gave a crap what the others in my past thought. I don’t understand why it’s impacted me so badly in regards to what happened with the most recent person. I don’t know why I am affected by their opinion of me or how they see me overall as a person. I don’t know why they impacted my thinking and stood out to me more than anyone I ever met before in my life.