I was thinking seriously about that modelling thing. I know that people probably think I’m crazy for not taking the opportunity. However, I feel that I cannot do it. I don’t know whether or not it may be a scam. I can’t even function properly in everyday life right now without constantly feeling tired. I struggled to even do my housework today, let alone live the modelling lifestyle. I don’t particularly want to travel. That is what my dad wanted me to do but I like being in one place. I’ve gained weight because I can’t even exercise (well… I mean to walk on a daily basis) like I used to do. I want to sleep most of the time. I describe trying to stay awake as feeling painful. I won’t be able to keep up with all that stuff. I’ll just end up letting people down. I don’t think my energy will ever return to what it used to be. I can go for a walk but I pay for it the next day. I walked seven miles today, and five miles on another day this week. I had to rest a lot in between to be able to do those two walks. I’ve done everything I can to get rid of this tiredness. I went up on my antidepressants (in case it was depression) and came off the painkillers. I felt like I had more energy at first but the fatigue returned.
I get frustrated because I really want to do things with my life but I don’t have the energy most of the time. I don’t do things with other people due to social anxiety, but mostly because I don’t want to let them down. I feel that it is highly irritating to them when someone keeps on cancelling. I don’t want to be an irritation due to being that person. I haven’t even been able to finish my housework today. I managed to go out to an appointment when I first got up because I had energy at that point. I felt like I was struggling to do even the small amount of housework that I actually managed to finish.