I don’t think I’m going to sleep tonight. I have bad backache, probably just another painkiller withdrawal symptom. I’m too uncomfortable to sleep yet. I have a cat next to me purring which is quite relaxing. Mimi likes to curl up next to me when I’m in bed. The other one, Mister, is asleep at the end of my bed. He is very lazy when it comes to actually moving. He doesn’t move a lot and loves to eat. I never see Mimi after she’s been fed during the day. She disappears for hours after I see her scale up the fence and head across the gardens. Mister can’t even get up the fence because he is far too heavy. He doesn’t really go out of the shared garden. He always stays quite close to home. The other Tom cat that happens to pop in for food several times a day always get glared at by Mister. I had another cat pop in the other day. They looked like Mimi bud I realised that it wasn’t her after this one was wearing a collar. It didn’t even come in for food. It just jumped in through the window, stuck it’s nose in my utility room cupboard and then strolled back out. The stranger black cat happened to come into my flat on Friday 13th. The Americans reading this will instantly think bad luck omen. In England we say it’s supposed to be good luck if a black cat crosses your path. I don’t know if that date means it’s bad luck or good luck.
Mister wasn’t even aggressive with this random cat. He just followed it looking intrigued. That tells me it was most likely a female cat because he growls at other male cats. I remember how well he got on with the little female cat I fostered, snowy, he definitely liked her a lot. I think he even missed her when someone came to collect her. She didn’t want to go either. She had settled here but I couldn’t keep her unless I adopted her. I didn’t want her to go because I got attached. I actually cried after she had left mine. Mister looked at me like I had done something terrible too. Mimi didn’t like her. They would share my bed but Mimi was always one end and snowy was on the other end. Then you’d find Mister sat near snowy but not near Mimi. I’m glad that she settled down. She had a terrible start to life and obviously felt accepted by me and Mister, even if Mimi didn’t really get on with her. Mimi is highly strung in personality so she’s hard to please at the best of times.
I am very unsure about dating or socialising right now. I don’t feel ready. I’m not even sure that I will ever even be able to do those things when I’m affected by my past. I won’t be able to trust. I won’t be able to relax in a relationship. I will always be highly anxious socialising. I don’t know if it’s worth the hassle. I still feel like a kid in comparison to others my age. I don’t have a clue how to date, be in a relationship or have any ability to be what others might want in a person.