Day: September 18, 2019

I had a text this morning from a modelling place asking me to call in regards to a few photos I’d sent via an application at the weekend. I wasn’t even expecting to hear anything from it. I was feeling bored with my life as it is now so the opportunity looked inviting. I sent a few random photos that I happened to have on my laptop. I can’t believe my measurements now though. 36,31,40. I’ve been exercising but it doesn’t seem to make any difference. I’m getting older and also, it seems, wider. I have a test shot in Soho, London next Friday. I have to take 8 outfits that fit the categories told to me by the woman on the phone. I am aware that there are scams and I spent an hour speaking to the woman on the phone which gave me enough time to ask questions.

It seemed legit. I failed to mention on purpose that I am qualified in media production. I know the buisness side from my BTEC qualification. If the test shot goes well on the day then I will be put on the agencies books, then after 4 weeks I can start getting modelling jobs. It won’t be that often because I’ve only said I’ll do part time hours. That is about 6-8 jobs depending on if you meet a criteria that a client requires. I have the right to say no to any job without explanation. I am not required to buy any of the test shoot photos. The woman working at the agency is a former model herself. It would be lovely to get a chance to be a model. I could get the chance to travel to places like Milan if I am brave enough to say yes to international jobs. The agency takes 15% to 22% commission from my earnings. I may have to stay over night in hotels but once I’m on the agencies books my expenses will be paid for travel and accomodation. Most of them are just 4-6 hours worth of work. They provide tv and film extras too which is only 15-25 minutes work for a decent fee. The fees that you get make it worth travelling to jobs. London isn’t a place I’d chose to work but it’s a place where a lot of things in this kind of industry are done. There are many opportunities in that part of the country. I can eventually afford to move back down south with the kind of rates that they pay for their jobs. I just have to wait and see what happens. I may not be successful on the test shoot which means I will be staying here until I can save up to move out of this area… however, it certainly won’t be down south because it is too expensive to live there without a high paying job. The rents down there are absolutely ridiculous now. Well, I literally have every thing crossed and I’m hopeful but not going to bet on getting the opportunity yet. I just have to go to the test shoot and hope that I impress them enough to get the opportunity.

I don’t think I’m going to sleep tonight. I have bad backache, probably just another painkiller withdrawal symptom. I’m too uncomfortable to sleep yet. I have a cat next to me purring which is quite relaxing. Mimi likes to curl up next to me when I’m in bed. The other one, Mister, is asleep at the end of my bed. He is very lazy when it comes to actually moving. He doesn’t move a lot and loves to eat. I never see Mimi after she’s been fed during the day. She disappears for hours after I see her scale up the fence and head across the gardens. Mister can’t even get up the fence because he is far too heavy. He doesn’t really go out of the shared garden. He always stays quite close to home. The other Tom cat that happens to pop in for food several times a day always get glared at by Mister. I had another cat pop in the other day. They looked like Mimi bud I realised that it wasn’t her after this one was wearing a collar. It didn’t even come in for food. It just jumped in through the window, stuck it’s nose in my utility room cupboard and then strolled back out. The stranger black cat happened to come into my flat on Friday 13th. The Americans reading this will instantly think bad luck omen. In England we say it’s supposed to be good luck if a black cat crosses your path. I don’t know if that date means it’s bad luck or good luck.

Mister wasn’t  even aggressive with this random cat. He just followed it looking intrigued. That tells me it was most likely a female cat because he growls at other male cats. I remember how well he got on with the little female cat I fostered, snowy, he definitely liked her a lot. I think he even missed her when someone came to collect her. She didn’t want to go either. She had settled here but I couldn’t keep her unless I adopted her. I didn’t want her to go because I got attached. I actually cried after she had left mine. Mister looked at me like I had done something terrible too. Mimi didn’t like her. They would share my bed but Mimi was always one end and snowy was on the other end. Then you’d find Mister sat near snowy but not near Mimi. I’m glad that she settled down. She had a terrible start to life and obviously felt accepted by me and Mister, even if Mimi didn’t really get on with her. Mimi is highly strung in personality so she’s hard to please at the best of times.

I am very unsure about dating or socialising right now. I don’t feel ready. I’m not even sure that I will ever even be able to do those things when I’m affected by my past. I won’t be able to trust. I won’t be able to relax in a relationship. I will always be highly anxious socialising. I don’t know if it’s worth the hassle. I still feel like a kid in comparison to others my age. I don’t have a clue how to date, be in a relationship or have any ability to be what others might want in a person.