I am looking forward to doing my law degree but there are times that I can’t stand what goes on in this world. I literally get stress migraines from what I observe at the hands of the system. I can’t kick off about anything that upsets me because I’ll get punished for saying something. It isn’t even just things about my own situation. The things I see out there happening in the system to many people is starting to really get to me. I watch these documentaries like ‘crime and punishment’. I see endless messes in every day life within the lives of those that I have known or still see sometimes.
I’m not able to do much before I’m qualified but that doesn’t mean that I won’t share my views on things that are plainly wrong. I’m strong minded enough to attempt to knock my addiction to painkillers on the head for good now. That has taken me a long time due to the anger that I feel about the things going on out there. I take no bullsh*t since they imprisoned me for behaviours related to my autism. I apologise if that isn’t pleasant for others but this is how I’ve had to become to survive the system. That is the only way I’m not going to end up depressed to the point of suicide. I can’t ever say that I’m truly happy. However, I don’t think anyone can categorically say they’re happy. Life has it’s way of throwing unhappy events at us when we are getting to the point of being contented and happy. I have learned to smile even when I’m broken underneath but that doesn’t help me truly feel happy. I don’t recommend masking because it can mislead others by accident. I have been suicidal in the past but still put on a smile. I’ve looked happy about life things that were negative news but I was actually in bits about those things inside.
I’m quite honestly feel like most days are an uphill struggle at the moment. I’m hoping that this will change in the future. I think that I’m finally detoxed from the painkillers now. I’m not getting any withdrawal symptoms now. I am also not craving them either. That is a good sign. There is no way that I am EVER buying them again. I don’t need them, all they do is cause me to bloat and gain weight. It also mentally sends me on a Bipolar like ride. I don’t like those ups and downs. They also make it impossible to function on a daily basis. The painkillers addiction has been an issue for me since I was a teenager. I was never on them consistently but I’ve probably taken hundreds throughout my life. I didn’t even need them most of the time. I used to start taking them again when I had a migraine. Then I’d take the whole box over a few weeks. I know that it did me no good but addiction doesn’t let you see that logic until you’re off the substance.