I’m nervous about starting to date because I haven’t ever done it. I’m not sure if I am proud to admit that I lack experience in that department. I had a message from someone that was on my GCSE college course. I’m not discussing the conversation on here because it is private. Anyway, I decided that I’d try dating for the first time in my life. I know it’s ridiculous that I had a baby but have never dated anyone. I wasn’t with his father in the romantic sense. I’m not going into it in detail on the internet. The person I’ve agreed to date is a friend. They know about what happened with my son and the reason why I’m reluctant to even socialise nowadays. This means that I don’t have that difficult part of explaining about my son and other personal things which could be misunderstood. I’ve screwed up relationships with strangers by explaining things wrongly. I talk way too much when I’m nervous and end up far too open with whoever I’m communicating with at the time.
I need to start going out again. If we don’t end up a couple then we can hang out as friends. He didn’t push it because of how I was feeling after everything that had happened. I actually see going out socially as an alien thing now because I have avoided it for a long time. Even when I have started going to places, it never ends up a consistent thing. I enjoy it when I’m not anxious but it’s just working my way up to the point where I don’t experience so much social anxiety. I don’t want to go into the sexual part of dating or long term relationships but the physical touching stuff is going to be scary for me. I’m not used to it, even when it comes to hugging and kissing etc. I wasn’t brought up by parents that did that kind of stuff. I even feel like it’s weird if friends and even acquaintances happen to hug me.
If I don’t throw myself into this dating and other social stuff, then I will be making excuses for the rest of my life. I will be making excuses based on the fact that I’m fearful after my life experiences so far. The worse feeling in the world is looking forward to things but also being frightened at the same time. I can act relaxed but actually be completely petrified inside. I’m hoping that I’ll stop being so petrified of everything eventually.