Day: September 13, 2019

I got up at a decent time this morning to take my medication and eat breakfast. I cleaned the bathroom because it was a state. I went for a walk this afternoon. The weather is really nice. This is warm for September. It’s also Friday the 13th. I’m not scared of this date. I even own a black cat (mimi). I’m glad to be back home now. I’m having a break for a few hours. I may watch a bit of Netflix, if there is something reasonable on there. I’ve not found anything good to watch since orange is the new black finished. I’m not a massive television/film fan in general. I watch selected things like coronation street, a few documentaries that catch my attention due to the subject matter, sometimes the Jeremy Vine show, I used to watch the simpsons and family guy but I’ve gone off of cartoon type things.

I still don’t feel like I’ve totally withdrawn from the painkillers yet. I have a headache coming on which is the worse part of coming off of them. After that part passes it gets easier because the levels of painkiller are down to a point where the withdrawal symptoms won’t be so bad. I felt sick this morning. That is another sign of withdrawal. I’m still bloated and still have fluid in my joints so it’s not anywhere near over the withdrawal stage yet. The next few days are going to be the worse part of that process. I need to style my hair because the frizz needs straightening smooth at the ends. I really don’t feel like yet due to sensory overload. The painkillers dulled my nerve endings and now that is wearing off. I brushed my arm on a stinging nettle by accident while I was out. The sting was so sharp. I do that regularly on my walks due to stinging nettles growing at the sides of the roads. It never normally hurts that bad. The cat just grabbed hold of my foot and I felt his claws much more than normal. I may sleep through the worse of it because I haven’t got much on at the moment. 

I am awake at a stupid hour because I can’t sleep again. I know why this time. I keep relying on painkillers. I’ve cut down but I need to take the biggest step which is coming off them for good. I’m lying to myself if I deny that the addiction is not still present intermittently. I can go for many weeks without going near them. Then out of no where the craving to buy a packet and take them comes on strong and I end up finishing a box within a fortnight. That is better than it used to be. I used to go through a pack of 32 in a week. I know that addiction is a back and forward process for a long time until the habit is properly broken. I’m stronger mentally now which is a must for fighting addiction. I want to cold turkey this time and never touch them again. I’m ready now. It isn’t a pleasant experience. I ran out of them yesterday and I feel unable to relax which explains why I’ve actually washed my hair in the middle of the night rather than waiting until morning. Restless energy has to be used then hopefully it passes quicker and I will be able to sleep.

I can’t keep taking them because they make my stomach bloated and I start retaining water in my joints which makes me feel fat. I looked at the symptoms of painkiller addiction. Tiredness and runny nose are mentioned on the list. I have to properly come off them for good. I’ve been thinking my runny nose is allergy related but it’s there all the time over the past few months. I don’t need the painkillers any longer. They add to anxiety. Eventually the addiction side leads to avoiding the outside world and sleeping most of the days away. I don’t want to get stuck in that lifestyle. I’ve seen the worse case scenario when it’s come to those I’ve known being addicted to illegal drugs. I don’t want to waste my life like that because you’re basically waiting for the next dosage of whatever you’re on and that becomes your life. I can also see in my face that I’m on them or they’re still not come out of my body after I’ve ceased taking them. I can see it in my face for a few days after I’ve stopped taking them. If I’ve taken them regularly for a few weeks they’re in my system for at least 3 days. I had a drugs test as part of my admission to prison last year. I hadn’t taken them for 2 days because I’d been in a cell, interviewed, held over night to  go to court and then transported straight to the prison. That means the levels don’t do down straight away. That is when you get the withdrawals. I did have withdrawals for the first few weeks I was in there. I hadn’t been off them consistently until that point. I had  my energy back by the time I came out.

I really did try to stick to it but I got upset with things happening and took them to cope regularly. I don’t even like the taste of them and they hurt my stomach so I’m not benefiting from the addiction at all now. That is what happens. Addiction always starts innocently and mostly has a productive purpose whether it’s gaining self confidence by using a substance or anything else. I took them for migraines and school stress when I was a teenager, then I used them to give me self confidence and give me the ability to be more sociable. Once the addiction took hold of me it started to make me anti social and withdrawn. I know this is awful but I even took them for the first few months when I was pregnant with my son. I was stupid at the age of 23. I didn’t take them all through my pregnancy. I may have also got quite drunk on one or two occasions during nights out when I was about 6 months to 8 months pregnant. One of those times was technically a get together to mark me leaving those I knew down south and returning to the midlands. I would do everything differently nowadays. I haven’t got drunk in a few years. I barely drink alcohol now. I lived it up down south because I was away from home in my own place. I weren’t near my family so it was easier to just be free. I was still young and wanted to live carefree. I knew that my carefree days were going to end once I’d had my baby. I also can’t be the same me I was when I lived down south in this area because I can’t relax here. I grew up here. I went school and college with people here. It’s not a place I can ever relax and be myself. It’s hard going back to where you grew up if your past was full of things you’d rather forget but you can’t if others remember things.

Anyway, I’m going to try to get some sleep tonight. I’m hoping that withdrawal symptoms will be over in a few days. It should be over after approximately 72 hours. That is the maximum time I’ve ever taken to stop feeling withdrawals. It’s horrible when the levels are dropping. I felt shaky earlier. I then got restless which is why I washed my hair at 1am. I feel like I’m going to be able to sleep soon so hopefully the worse is over for now.