Depression is no longer winning.

I decided to take two tablets of my anti depressant medication today. That means I’ve doubled the dosage. It seems to have made a massive difference. I have actually felt like myself today for the first time in a while. I no longer feel as tired but that probably won’t go until I’ve been on a higher dosage for a few days. I managed to go from wanting my bed all day to going on a 5 mile walk after about half an hour of taking my anti depressants. I had to get cat food so I decided to get that on the way around. I felt better by the time I got home but my nose kept running so I took a toilet roll with me. I really find my allergies annoying sometimes. It can be like having a permanent cold. The weather is actually quite warm today. I put my coat on but by the time I got home I was carrying my coat because I got too hot. I haven’t walked that far for a while which probably does indicate my lack of motivation linked to depression kicking off again. I noticed that I was getting more and more reluctant and unable to function but I didn’t feel depressed. I suppose sometimes it doesn’t come on as feelings of sadness etc.

I need to get myself together because my law degree module starts at the open university next month. I cannot afford to be tired. I won’t get anything done if I also lack any motivation to even move some days. I don’t expect to ever feel completely normal again but I’ll take just being able to function on a daily basis. I managed a legal slanted rant on social media earlier effortlessly. I’m hoping that my abilities stay at that level as they’ve been sadly lacking for a while. I’m preparing myself my degree course. The subject of Law is all about learning to argue technicalities. I am okay for the first year of my degree because it’s only the introduction module but I want to aim for the highest grades possible. That is easier to do if you’re incorporating practice into your daily life. I’ve struggled to write in a technical way for months due to this tiredness which looks like it was caused by depression. I have noticed that my writing is better since I upped the dosage of my medication. I have the type of brain that is a bit ADHD. Concentration can be one hell of a task for me. I don’t flit between one thing and other while I’m writing (or doing any other tasks) on a higher dosage of anti depressant. I’m not a huge advocate for medication but in some cases it can be helpful. I tend to think a lot when I’m driving but it doesn’t distract me because I’m not really using my brain to construct anything… unlike writing. 

Well, I must be depressed rather than have a physical illness.

I just checked the online account for my GP appointments. I found my latest blood test results on there. I’m glad that it has all came back normal and satisfactory. I am still stumped as to what is going on with me at the moment. I may just be depressed. I’ve had people around me tell me that I’m showing all the symptoms for depression. I’m on anti depressants so I’m not sure how I’m still depressed. I know that medication doesn’t work for everyone but I’m only on a low dosage. I’m not keen on being on a higher dosage. I will have to make another appointment to go through this possibility with the GP.

I went on dosage of anti depressant medication when I was in Prison last year. I found that I was better but that was probably amplified by being so glad to get out of there after a month. I could double the dosage myself but I’m not sure that works with them being slow release tablets. I have enough in stock (I order a month in advance just in case) to do that until I can see the same doctor at the beginning of October. I just want to feel remotely normal again. I don’t like feeling tired and not wanting to do anything. I sometimes feel like I’m dragging myself to do even every day things. I haven’t even wanted to get up recently. I have eventually got myself out of bed but not until the afternoon. I managed to do a few things today but it feels like I’m climbing through a mountain of tiredness. Or never quite reaching the top of a giant hole. I was really hoping that it wasn’t depression causing the tiredness etc because I find it complicated to manage when it gets to that point. The nightmares I’ve been having should have really gave me a clue that I was getting depressed. I just thought they were due to things I’d been through. I know that I’m not over those things. I was watching the programmes on suicide on channel 4 earlier. I was thinking to myself how the description of depression was sounding just like me at the moment. That was before I saw that my physical tests had come back normal. I don’t see depression as an illness which means I find it hard to accept that I’m depressed.