Shut down mode… I just can’t function whatsoever today.

I just barely want to move today. I have made myself do the minimum in regards to tidying up around my flat. I cannot move to do anything else yet. I might get away with not going the shop for milk until tomorrow. I’m certainly not able to do anything but sleep most of the time right now. I fed the cats so they’re happy until later. Mimi has already gone out, she always disappears outside for hours. Mister is still inside because he is quite lazy until he insists on going out half of the night. I will probably wake up to find that he has curled up next to me and fell asleep.

I am trying hard to string sentences together. It’s taking me a few attempts so this isn’t going to be a long entry. I can’t see properly either right now which makes typing even more challenging. I get like this when I’ve been pushing myself to function for a long time. I had no choice because I had appointments I couldn’t miss etc. That is why I crumbled on the unpaid work requirement after the first day because it was just too much all at once. It is a lot when you’ve been trying to function on reduced energy for over 4 years. The system doesn’t care about your ability to do the punishments that the courts order. They just see it as a failure on the order sheet. I do have to go to court in relation to that application at some point because they won’t deal with the application to delete that part of probation requirement in my absence. The process of sitting at that court for ages, magistrates are jam packed nowadays, is sensory overload before I even get into the hearing. The probation officer is sorting things out. I just have to wait until I’m told to be there for the matter to be heard. This could be up to two months due to how much gets listed in front of the local magistrates court.

Also, in regards to my nickname Villanelle, I’ve changed my mind about friends calling me this name. I much rather prefer just Emma now. I have lost the desire to be known as a psychopath from a television programme. I found it fun to pretend and try to sell that as a public persona for a while. It just doesn’t seem relevant to who I am. I don’t want to give out false impressions to those that don’t know me. I’m not a psychopath type. I can’t pretend to be something I’m not any longer. I’m childlike because of my learning disabilities and autism combined. That is the only traits me and the actual fictional character share.

I really wanted to be like the psychopath that I met at university. I realise that I’m not mean enough to be just like her. I don’t even want to be that way now. I couldn’t do the things she did to me. The way she justifies it to others shows how much she displays aspects of psychopathy. I know that people around her can see it too. I have asked them how they put up with that side of her and why they’re still friends. They just seem to accept them being that way. I suppose that if they were the ones being singled out by her they’d have a very different view. She will never be able to see the damage she has caused to me. She tries to justify her actions against me by manipulating the truth (a thing that journalists do a lot). I would hope that in time she will see that I’m experiencing these things because of her actions.

Unfortunately, psychopaths will never see the damage they’ve caused by the decisions they’ve made on other people’s lives. Maybe she was my karma in the form of a person. I did a lot of things when I was growing up that was absolutely shameful. In some people’s eyes I probably deserved the cruel legal actions she took against me. I just hope that I’m not anything like her when I get to middle age because she is cold and very dark in her personality. I felt that as soon as I met her. I actually liked that about her because I was quite naïve before everything that happened. She really doesn’t give a damn about anyone but herself. The more I tried to go back to try to defend myself, the more she convinced others I deserved what she was doing to me. Those kinds of trouble makers will always make themselves look the victim in any situation. I didn’t see that I could never win against that kind of person. I should have just walked away but the hate for injustice streak in me caused me to fight the issue. 

5 thoughts on “Shut down mode… I just can’t function whatsoever today.

  1. Was thinking out a compromise: Elle. But now you want to be called Em again by people who read the blog and I respect that.

    The childlike character in literature/film I identify with the most is probably Michael Ende’s The Childlike Empress. I called myself that on a film blog for a while – roughly three months.

    And I can see how you would admire someone who doesn’t care about anyone but themselves, especially with the caring obligations you had sustained over the years. It can be a very appealing fantasy, true. I have entertained it myself.

    So your cats reflect your sluggishness at the moment? Or they highlight it?

    “The system doesn’t care about your ability to do the punishments that the courts order. They just see it as a failure on the order sheet. I do have to go to court in relation to that application at some point because they won’t deal with the application to delete that part of probation requirement in my absence. The process of sitting at that court for ages, magistrates are jam packed nowadays, is sensory overload before I even get into the hearing. The probation officer is sorting things out.”

    Good luck with the probation requirements being removed or reduced.

    Yes – magistrates do tend to be jampacked! Have read again the World Book Encylopaedia on the relevant sections of English and common/civil/criminal law. Of course you studied them for the last five years and have experienced them.

    “In some people’s eyes I probably deserved the cruel legal actions she took against me. I just hope that I’m not anything like her when I get to middle age because she is cold and very dark in her personality. I felt that as soon as I met her. I actually liked that about her because I was quite naïve before everything that happened. She really doesn’t give a damn about anyone but herself.”

    When I remember 2014 you [when you started ASSGO blogging again] and 2019 you in some aspects the difference is like night and day.

    I don’t think you will be [like her when you get to middle age – or if you do you gave us fair and early warning]. Did you also feel bitterness and resentment in that person’s public persona? Millon has so many descriptions of psychopaths and sociopaths. Nobody deserves those cruel legal actions which go beyond natural and logical and legal consequence. I will say that again.

    “The more I tried to go back to try to defend myself, the more she convinced others I deserved what she was doing to me. Those kinds of trouble makers will always make themselves look the victim in any situation. I didn’t see that I could never win against that kind of person. I should have just walked away but the hate for injustice streak in me caused me to fight the issue.”

    They do; they do. Sometimes they play into a victim streak into others or into society [this happened a lot during the Blair years and the Brown years] and that is a form of gaslighting.

    That hate for injustice and the need to fight/assert yourself in the face of this.

    And that’s what they want. Someone who keeps going back and taking her punishment.

    Hope Mimi is back by now. Does she make her presence known after midnight?

    Try not to scapegoat anyone like on Twitter.

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    1. Mimi is now asleep in her basket. Mister is wandering around. I always felt many negative things in their presence but I thought it was me. Also, I watched a programme tonight. People are getting murdered by exes regularly. Those individuals like her wasting police time and court resources contribute to this happening. It’s unfair on those that generally need protecting and fear for their lives.

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      1. Disgraceful!

        both about the ex-murdering and the wasting police time.

        Those people who genuinely need protection really aren’t getting it, are they?

        Cats do pick up on so much in the material and spiritual world.

        I don’t know how far you are a calming presence or a tense presence to the cats – it’s not so simple!

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      2. Great to hear and to know.

        The cats in my life – I don’t know that I had a snuggly one in the 1980s.

        She was always on my grandmother’s bed – a big white cat with green eyes.

        Her picture is now on wood and on paper in the room in which I sleep.

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