Shut down mode… I just can’t function whatsoever today.

I just barely want to move today. I have made myself do the minimum in regards to tidying up around my flat. I cannot move to do anything else yet. I might get away with not going the shop for milk until tomorrow. I’m certainly not able to do anything but sleep most of the time right now. I fed the cats so they’re happy until later. Mimi has already gone out, she always disappears outside for hours. Mister is still inside because he is quite lazy until he insists on going out half of the night. I will probably wake up to find that he has curled up next to me and fell asleep.

I am trying hard to string sentences together. It’s taking me a few attempts so this isn’t going to be a long entry. I can’t see properly either right now which makes typing even more challenging. I get like this when I’ve been pushing myself to function for a long time. I had no choice because I had appointments I couldn’t miss etc. That is why I crumbled on the unpaid work requirement after the first day because it was just too much all at once. It is a lot when you’ve been trying to function on reduced energy for over 4 years. The system doesn’t care about your ability to do the punishments that the courts order. They just see it as a failure on the order sheet. I do have to go to court in relation to that application at some point because they won’t deal with the application to delete that part of probation requirement in my absence. The process of sitting at that court for ages, magistrates are jam packed nowadays, is sensory overload before I even get into the hearing. The probation officer is sorting things out. I just have to wait until I’m told to be there for the matter to be heard. This could be up to two months due to how much gets listed in front of the local magistrates court.

Also, in regards to my nickname Villanelle, I’ve changed my mind about friends calling me this name. I much rather prefer just Emma now. I have lost the desire to be known as a psychopath from a television programme. I found it fun to pretend and try to sell that as a public persona for a while. It just doesn’t seem relevant to who I am. I don’t want to give out false impressions to those that don’t know me. I’m not a psychopath type. I can’t pretend to be something I’m not any longer. I’m childlike because of my learning disabilities and autism combined. That is the only traits me and the actual fictional character share.

I really wanted to be like the psychopath that I met at university. I realise that I’m not mean enough to be just like her. I don’t even want to be that way now. I couldn’t do the things she did to me. The way she justifies it to others shows how much she displays aspects of psychopathy. I know that people around her can see it too. I have asked them how they put up with that side of her and why they’re still friends. They just seem to accept them being that way. I suppose that if they were the ones being singled out by her they’d have a very different view. She will never be able to see the damage she has caused to me. She tries to justify her actions against me by manipulating the truth (a thing that journalists do a lot). I would hope that in time she will see that I’m experiencing these things because of her actions.

Unfortunately, psychopaths will never see the damage they’ve caused by the decisions they’ve made on other people’s lives. Maybe she was my karma in the form of a person. I did a lot of things when I was growing up that was absolutely shameful. In some people’s eyes I probably deserved the cruel legal actions she took against me. I just hope that I’m not anything like her when I get to middle age because she is cold and very dark in her personality. I felt that as soon as I met her. I actually liked that about her because I was quite naïve before everything that happened. She really doesn’t give a damn about anyone but herself. The more I tried to go back to try to defend myself, the more she convinced others I deserved what she was doing to me. Those kinds of trouble makers will always make themselves look the victim in any situation. I didn’t see that I could never win against that kind of person. I should have just walked away but the hate for injustice streak in me caused me to fight the issue.