I don’t even mind barely going out any more. I cannot think of anything worse than doing the whole socialising thing. I used to talk via messaging service a lot online but I’ve actually stopped replying to people. I don’t have the energy to even socialise via online platforms. I’m not even depressed any more. I have gone past that point. I’m just numbed to everything around me. I don’t like the world outside. I certainly hate being a part of it. I can’t stand the way other people act. I find it irritating because of things that have happened to me. I thought that I’d stopped having nightmares but I kept getting woken up by one last night. I’m starting to feel the cold now the weather is changing and that isn’t helping my willingness to not become a total recluse.
I have changed as a person. I’ve become a different person since I mentally broke down. I don’t recognise myself and I’m feeling quite lost. I have been distracting myself today knitting the last part of my scarf. I will post a photo when I’ve finally finished it.
I have had to numb myself emotionally. There is no way that I can emotionally get over losing my son to adoption. I have tried to be able to get over it. This is basically something that is impossible to achieve. I tried to carry on with my life after the adoption went through but it is extremely hard. I managed to complete my GCSEs but this was difficult. I chose to study via the Open University from October part time because I can study it from home. I’m hoping that I can manage to complete it part time over six years.
I have to learn to pace myself so that I can get through days without feeling overly fatigued. I have to make sure that I can still function enough to study on a daily basis. I zone out a lot due to mentally breaking down. I don’t really concentrate much on anything nowadays. I don’t really feel present half of the time. I am glad that I can’t feel the hurt from past experiences in my life any more. I’m sorry for being on a downer but I have things on my mind that are bugging me right now. I can’t change those things. I’m literally playing the waiting game in regards to the things that are causing me anxiety.