I don’t want to be awake today :(

I don’t want to be awake today because I’m in a lot of pain. I have taken something for it but it isn’t going away. I had to go out to get essentials like milk. I think that I got everything but I couldn’t wait to get back home due to feeling like my insides were stretching constantly. I’m hoping that I feel less crap tomorrow. I get through it by focusing on the fact that it is definitely going to pass in a few days. I haven’t had pain for a long time so this isn’t what I’m used to nowadays. I look like crap today but I really don’t care. I put my hair in a messy bun and my face is a spotty mess in places. I’m comfy laying next to the cat who has decided that she also wants a nap. 

I’m just still disappointed that I didn’t get pregnant but maybe it’s a good thing that I’m not due to certain things which need sorting in my life. I don’t have to rush those things now that things aren’t going to be changing in the near future. 

Disappointing day, nevertheless I’m not letting it get me down!

I am definitely not going to be having another child any time soon. I got my monthly today. I am quite disappointed about not getting pregnant. I won’t let it get me down because it was obviously not meant to be at this point. It wasn’t the best time due to starting my open university degree. It would have been something I’d have welcomed but by the looks of things right now it doesn’t want to happen. I’m obviously not as fertile as I used to be when I was younger. I got pregnant with my son on my first time. I know what to expect this time around. I can’t say that pregnancy is a pleasant experience because I had morning sickness (more like most of the day) from 6 weeks to about 34 weeks. I also know what I’m getting myself into this time due to previously having a baby. I don’t think I was ready for the reality the last time I had a child. I was 24 years old and extremely naïve about what I was potentially embarking upon. 

I woke up with a migraine. That wasn’t the nicest start to the day. Then the cat did their business in the litter tray which stunk out my flat. I really hate removing that sort of stuff from the litter tray even without having a migraine. They mostly go the toilet outside but I had all the windows shut which meant that they had to use the tray this morning. I can’t leave the window open as it gets colder. I’m about to end up with a worse migraine right now because my Mother likes to watch Strictly come dancing. It’s only the results show but I still don’t like it much. I can’t tell her not to not watch it because it’s her television and house. I never watch certain things while I’m at my own home. 

I’m getting better :) Blissful existence is finally possible. 32 year journey to spiritual balance in this crazy world.

I only had 3 hours sleep this morning. I went for a long walk and managed to get quite a few things done. I managed to go for a walk before the rain got too heavy. However, driving home tonight was like being in a boat. There is so much water on the roads. I’m glad to be home. I haven’t seen my cat yet. I thought she would be waiting to jump in the window due to the weather. I did tell her not to go out before I left the house earlier but, like a typical cat, she decided that she wasn’t listening and proceeded to make her way across the garden. She will still come in looking at me as if it was my fault that she ended up getting wet.

I’m currently listening to sleep waves to chill out and hopefully actually sleep soon. I can’t remember what the name for these sound types but it isn’t meditation. They aren’t voice based. It is all based on sound waves at different frequencies. I tried them once before but I couldn’t concentrate on them due to my head being all over the place after my son’s adoption. I finally feel at peace which means concentration is much easier than it used to be previously.

I’m still on my anti depressants but there is no harm trying more natural approaches. I’ve changed my diet. I still do drink pepsi max once a day but now also drink natural fruit juice (the ones without the added sugar), or fruit flavoured water. I walk at least 5 miles twice a week. I would love to walk that far more than twice a week but I get too tired to do long walks more often. I’m not getting lazy. I am just more economic with my energy nowadays. I have finally figured out how to disconnect myself from everything for a while. That is pure heaven when you’re an intuitive type. I pick up random stuff when I’m trying to sleep at night. I find that the worse time to be naturally intuitive. Nothing ever rests in this world. It bombards you with random bits of energy 24/7. I never used to be able to rest because I didn’t know how to switch that side of me off. I wasn’t even mentally ill. The whole process mimicked mental illness because it wears out your mind. I felt like a magnet for any type of intuitive energy released from others. It was like living in hell because there are much more negative things floating about in this world than there is positive. I don’t want negative energy attached to me because it attracts bad luck into my life. I’ve managed to block the negative types of energies trying to attach to me.

I can honestly say that this is the first time I’ve been happy in my life for many years. I don’t know if it is due to letting go of my past hurts. I still have some way to go but even just accepting myself is a huge achievement. I’m content with the little that I have in life. I used to always be wanting more but I really don’t need more than I currently have in life. I am finally grateful which has never happened before. I was a spoilt brat at times in my life. I couldn’t see it at that time. I had to completely break to get to this level of progress. 

I can’t sleep tonight…

I have tried hard to sleep but I can’t switch off. I can’t say what is on my mind. I simply cannot go into this particular thing right now. I don’t want to jinx anything. I’m restless for a reason but I don’t think that being public about details is a good idea yet. I’m genuinely impatient about certain things and it’s keeping me awake. I know that I want certain things which others will not support. I know that my timing may not end up slotting into open university degree study easily but everything happens for a reason. We spend our lives planning things for the right time.

There isn’t really a right time for anything. Things clash easily but it doesn’t make juggling everything impossible. I made a choice. I knew the possible outcomes of my actions. I am restless just waiting to know which way things are going to materialise. I know that I’m going to have to redecorate my flat sooner rather than later because I can’t leave it any longer. It needs to look better than it currently does because the state of some of the cat damage is depressing me. I spend more time moaning about things that need doing than actually completing the tasks. I could have done things in the time that I moan about getting them done. I was supposed to get this decorating and replacing the damaged carpets months ago. I just never got around to it. I put it off. I can’t do that anymore if certain things do materialise in my life. I have to be organised. I need to illustrate that I have sorted out my life.

I need to start with my surrounding environment. Studying will be easier in better more comfortable surroundings. The cats may need to vacate their designated room (second bedroom) at some point. I can move their cat tower into the utility cupboard. I need that bedroom if certain things do materialise. It needs decorating and the carpet changing like  the living room. Hallway needs a bit of wallpaper on the cat damage. Bedroom just needs fresh paint and the carpet cleaned. I also need to replace my bed because it’s got a cracked base. Liquid got spilt down it and then it cracked. It’s been like that for a long time but replacing it now is better than waiting for it to crack even further. 

My DNA Origins result…. I am a tiny bit black.

I have always wondered where my hair, curvy bits and some of my other features came from. It looks like I get these things from my origins. I am pale. I’m as white as someone can be who isn’t albino. I didn’t think I had black ancestry. I mostly came back European which is what I presumed it would say. I didn’t expect anything else to come back. I don’t have any native Indian or Asian in me. But I have black African in me. I am trying not to offend with my terminology.  I’m quite surprised but then it does explain a fair few of my features.