Day: August 30, 2019

I know that going out and doing things is what people consider normal life. I go out but I don’t feel comfortable with socialising after things that have happened in my life. That is my personal choice. I am myself and I can’t be anyone that others want me to be. I can’t enjoy going out just because that is what others expect. I used to like going out socially in my early 20s. Then my sons adoption happened. That completely changed me. I hated everything and everyone because I couldn’t accept that my son had to be adopted. A piece of me died when my son was adopted. I will never feel whole again. The system destroyed my soul when they took the action to place my son for adoption. The fact that I don’t get contact via even letterbox has chipped away at me over the years since we were parted. The whole horror of the situation has had a huge impact on me. I haven’t slept a full night since it happened. I have a constant inner emotional pain which doesn’t go away. I wasn’t that keen on being a mother when I had him but it still cuts deep like a knife.

Then I met someone who was completely like me but they decided I wasn’t even good enough to be a friend.  They were just everything that I ever desired in a person. If I can’t get them without them turning around and accusing me of stalking them then I must be defective. I liked everything about them. I even liked the not so great parts of who they were as a person. I heard that I’m not the only one they’ve reported to the police. They apparently had a habit of that but it had never got as far as court before. I still put all the blame on myself despite knowing of their past actions with others. I am now numb because I have been hurt so much in a short space of time. I try not to feel anymore. I’m just existing and I am satisfied with that for the rest of my life. I’m a dark person. We were both the same in that way. The things they liked and believed in overlapped with my interests. I may not seem a private person but the offline me is completely different in comparison. I’m a lot quieter and reserved. I’m very secretive with aspects of my life because I’ve had to be as a younger person within the social care system. I’m satisfied with being this way. I don’t miss socialising and going out feels like a huge task to do too regularly. There’s nothing wrong in living a life that makes me feel comfortable and secure. I know what I need. I certainly don’t feel like I’m missing out.