Anxiety beaten for now / I’ve changed a lot.

My new car needed petrol again today. I’ve avoided filling it up for as long as possible due to my anxiety convincing me that it would break down again because that’s what it did last time when the battery died. I’m okay now. It’s been done and my anxiety is gone: I’ve now calmed down about the car breaking down again. I feel like an idiot for getting so anxious about it. I just had this fear that history would repeat itself. I get anxious so easily nowadays.

I’m completely different from how I used to be. This may not be a good thing despite some people assuming that it will be better for me to be this way. I used to be ambitious with life goals but that is no longer the case. I used to want a career, kids, marriage, etc; but now I’m happy with just existing. I accept my life this way. I no longer feel sad that none of that came to fruition. We don’t all get the life we imagined. I used to not be cool with that. I have only recently accepted my reality. That is mainly because to work towards any goal I’d have to be able to have much more energy available than I currently possess due to health issues. I’ve also lost a lot of confidence due to things that have happened which really doesn’t make me want to put myself out there. I can’t believe that I have changed so much. I used to be so determined and pushed myself really hard. I am now laid back and will willingly drift through life. 

One thought on “Anxiety beaten for now / I’ve changed a lot.

  1. I think too many of us are told what our dreams are. I had the same bunch of stuff that was my goal during my “denial years” where I was trying to force myself to live someone else’s life. I’d only achieved half of them by the age of 30, and clearly having an education, being a home-owner, having a flash car and a high-power career in the city of London wasn’t enough, I was a failure and I had an early mid-life-crisis. Would it have been different if I’d ticked every box and I’d got the whole lot? Absolutely not, if anything I would’ve been worse, I’d have achieved the dream and my life would’ve still felt empty. Because they were someone else’s goals, someone else’s dream. I was never some sort of yuppie, but the thing is I was never being myself either so it was just an accident waiting to happen. 20 years on I’m still trying to figure out not even how to make peace with that time of my life, just trying to figure out how to see any connection to it.

    In putting those goals to one side, it doesn’t mean you’ve given up. Some of them you can maybe pick up again, if and when you choose to do so. But that’s the point: your choice. Not because you feel it’s expected of you to get someone else’s approval. In the meantime, learn to be you.

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