Rumours could ruin my long term goals…

I can’t let others spread untrue rumours about me. This is really going to screw up my long term goals. I am working hard to make some form of progress. I’ve made a lot of progress so far. I’m not perfect but I’m always going to be autistic so I’m never going to ‘get rid of the autism’ part. Spreading malicious rumours about me is extremely unfair for someone trying to rebuild their life after loads of trouble and painful experiences. I made mistakes in the past but I don’t deserve to be punished forever. I never made mistakes maliciously. I didn’t know any better because of my autism and borderline learning disabilities. I can’t socially learn as easily as other people that are ‘normal’. I have never been awful on purpose at any point of my life. I did stupid things when I was upset but I do not deserve to be the subject of malicious rumours nowadays.

I know that I’m crazy but I still hope that the person I wanted will agree to be in my life one day. The university pressed everyone’s buttons and if that hadn’t been a huge factor in the beginning then none of the other stuff would have happened. The lies being spread about me isn’t going to help that happen. I was told on one of the groups that I went on via probation that you have to be useful for a person to be able to be a part of someone’s life. I’m trying to become useful so that I can have the person I still want to have a relationship with in the future, even if it’s just a bit of fun. I can’t change my autism but I can modify myself around that part of me. I’m not going to be with anyone else because I’m waiting for them. I’ve decided that I’m waiting for the next 20 years due to the age gap being quite wide and also I’ll be about middle aged by then. I am trying so hard because I want them in my life. I did from day one and I know that I can’t push it. I have to show that I’m worth letting into their life. Things like untrue gossip undoes all my hard work. I would also appreciate it if others who know me (the one’s that apparently have been causing trouble by saying untrue rumours) unfollow the other person because I know that they follow their Twitter account.

8 thoughts on “Rumours could ruin my long term goals…

  1. Feeling you have to be “useful” to somebody is no basis for a healthy relationship, Em. These things can’t be forced and I think it’s sad and rather depressing that you’re prepared to sacrifice 20 years of your life for someone who’s shown they’re not only disinterested but prepared to go to extreme lengths to get rid of you. Which I think says more about them than it does you, but that’s besides the point.

    Another 20 years will make you the same age I am now. Ironically, I’ve been saying “I haven’t lived the past 20 years of my life” and that’s something I’m trying to get over. It’s easy to feel bogged down by it all so I’m trying to make my peace with my past and move on. I can’t make remake my reality into something it isn’t by wishing it was so, and neither can you.

    I know we can’t really pick and choose the object of our affections but that doesn’t mean you should pander to it. She’s proven beyond all doubt that she isn’t interested and she will hurt you badly if you try to involve yourself in her life. So don’t. What you have right now is no sort of life and you do have a choice in the matter. The choice is to move on. And don’t say you can’t, because the only person you end up convincing is yourself. 😦

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      1. I can’t agree with that. Nothing you did justifies what happened to you; and the fact that someone was prepared to do that says all you need to know. For your own sake you need to accept that isn’t your future and you’ll only find the same bad things there regardless of what you do. Trying to take the blame for what happened and saying “so next time it’ll be different” won’t work and next time it may utterly destroy you. Life is for living, but this stuff is no sort of a life.

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      2. I’m worried about your faith that the shenanigans with the University’s management explain it away. They don’t and I really think you should 1) stop making excuses for her, and 2) hoping that in different circumstances things will be different. They won’t. You can have a happy and meaningful life but this is not the way. I have to wonder if a part of you knows that and you’re perhaps subconsciously pinning your hopes on something you know to be unobtainable for fear of disappointment that something doesn’t bring that happiness and meaning into your life. No single thing or person can ever do that.

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      3. Of course in different circumstances things can be different. For a start, she is no longer a tutor governed by that corrupted university. I’m not making excuses for her. The things that the university did initially caused the things that I said to her to kick off the situation, order etc. I’m not convincing myself. I’ve literally gone through it all in great detail. She isn’t perfect and has her faults but I get them now.

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      4. I can only go on what you’ve told me and the few things I’ve observed myself, but my analysis of the situation is rather different, I’m afraid. People can and sometimes do make really bad decisions when they’re under stress, but I think the measure of a person isn’t how much they screw up, it’s what they do afterwards to make it right. Or not. As usual, I apply the “would I do that?” test to the situation: first of all, even if I could get somebody sent to prison who didn’t deserve to be there I don’t think I would ever be able to push it through to completion, especially not when it took several rounds to do so; and even if I was so driven by anger that I did so, I would feel utterly mortified afterwards. Lack of any remorse and the assertion by her “friends” that you deserved it are not a good sign. And what you’re doing afterwards is also not the right thing whether you view it from her perspective or yours: from hers, the message was unambiguously to leave her alone; and from yours, to learn from it and move on to other things because you were bitten very hard and you will be bitten again.

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