Day: August 5, 2019

I can’t let others spread untrue rumours about me. This is really going to screw up my long term goals. I am working hard to make some form of progress. I’ve made a lot of progress so far. I’m not perfect but I’m always going to be autistic so I’m never going to ‘get rid of the autism’ part. Spreading malicious rumours about me is extremely unfair for someone trying to rebuild their life after loads of trouble and painful experiences. I made mistakes in the past but I don’t deserve to be punished forever. I never made mistakes maliciously. I didn’t know any better because of my autism and borderline learning disabilities. I can’t socially learn as easily as other people that are ‘normal’. I have never been awful on purpose at any point of my life. I did stupid things when I was upset but I do not deserve to be the subject of malicious rumours nowadays.

I know that I’m crazy but I still hope that the person I wanted will agree to be in my life one day. The university pressed everyone’s buttons and if that hadn’t been a huge factor in the beginning then none of the other stuff would have happened. The lies being spread about me isn’t going to help that happen. I was told on one of the groups that I went on via probation that you have to be useful for a person to be able to be a part of someone’s life. I’m trying to become useful so that I can have the person I still want to have a relationship with in the future, even if it’s just a bit of fun. I can’t change my autism but I can modify myself around that part of me. I’m not going to be with anyone else because I’m waiting for them. I’ve decided that I’m waiting for the next 20 years due to the age gap being quite wide and also I’ll be about middle aged by then. I am trying so hard because I want them in my life. I did from day one and I know that I can’t push it. I have to show that I’m worth letting into their life. Things like untrue gossip undoes all my hard work. I would also appreciate it if others who know me (the one’s that apparently have been causing trouble by saying untrue rumours) unfollow the other person because I know that they follow their Twitter account.

I feel exhausted today again. I only went out to do a few things. I also have brain-fog so I totally forgot the one thing I’d meant to get from the supermarket. I’m watching Orange is the New Black on Netflix but will definitely be falling asleep soon. I have both the cats next to me already sleeping which is making me feel even more sleepy.

I’m now watching my weight again after I chilled out about it and then after gaining a few pounds I decided to not be too relaxed about what I’m eating any more. I was chilled out about eating high-calorie stuff like cakes and so on, but after my body started to go a bit fatty I changed my mind. I am struggling to not get hungry after eating more for a while. However, I have worked out how to keep myself full throughout the day in between meals. I drink cups of tea when I feel hungry. I feel like I’ve eaten but the calories are less. I go for a walks and do toning exercises every few days. I’m not able to do things every day because I get tired a lot. I’ve limited myself to one small bottle of Pepsi Max per day. I replaced my junk-food-type snacks with fruit and mostly vegetarian based things for my main meals. I am also trying to resist having breakfast if I wake up in the middle of the night because that is a weight-gaining habit.