Thanks for letting me down! The Autistic reality that everyone should read about to teach the public to understand. (please share far and wide).

I’m not going to mention specific names here but this is addressed to all those that let me down in the past. Congratulations to the achievement of creating a broken person from all the lack of support, false recorded information and assuming things about me that wasn’t true basically due to not understanding my condition. I never asked to be treated that horrendously. I still have nightmares about the things that have happened, even from when I was a child. I don’t know when it became perfectly acceptable to abuse an individual until they fight back. Then the abused individual is the one that got labelled the awful one (not just seen as bad, labelled as a criminal). This isn’t right and should never have been allowed to happen! The prejudice and discrimination I have received since a teenager has been immensely relentless. I’m not a violent person but I may as well have been to justify how people treated me. I could never win against those that want to oppress us as people.

We are denied human rights. Then when we kick off about it we are told that we are also the problem. The goalposts are constantly changed when you have a form of autism (due to the lack of understanding everywhere in society). One minute we are vulnerable, this is used as a reason we can’t live a normal life (or even be allowed to be parents to our own children, having been forced to give them up, no contact even with them, erased from our lives completely). Then the next, we are dangerous because of our actions not being understood. That is then used to deny us opportunities and obtain support for our neurodiverse differences.

There are so many people that fuel those issues for us. The professionals within the system that don’t even know us, but that impartiality is harmful to the neurodiverse community. In order to understand autism, it is imperative to get to know those with the condition. That cannot happen with records. Those haven’t even turned out to be correct records in many cases. I cannot stress how crucial it is to fully establish the whole of circumstances and aspects of any neurodiverse person with a condition such as autism. Unless you find out how they function, you simply will never find the solution to help them live with their condition. You’ll only end up a hindrance and make their life ten times worse than it started out. In example: excluding an autistic person from an education place when they’re already mentally finding things difficult due to their circumstances is absolutely going to exacerbate any fall out that may happen. We already generally live our life feeling rejected, lonely and feel like an outsider. The solutions must be put into the context of the whole situation first before anything decided makes us feel those things (the things mentioned above can also be triggers for autistic behaviours etc).

If things were being done properly out there the suicide rate wouldn’t be so high in those that have autism. The rate of suicide in just the autistic community alone is actually higher than in the general population. We also have a shorter life expectancy. This is highlighting serious failings within our society. It seems that our wellbeing isn’t even a low priority when it comes to providing the correct support or treatment for us to not have to go down the suicide road. I’m speaking out for all those that have felt the need to end their own lives because of how society treats them for their autism etc. I’ve been there several times in my life. I know how dark those times can be. I was told that I was suicidal for attention or trying to manipulate others to do what I wanted. That wasn’t the case but the system doesn’t listen to us. We try to stick up for ourselves… we just gets us punished and told that we are wrong for expecting to have rights to be treated with respect etc.

Please feel free to share this entry far and wide. It would be amazing to have this mini article go viral but I’m sure that the ignorance level is still too high for that to become a reality. We need to be heard directly. The media needs to shut up because Journalists etc can’t speak for us. The assumptions the media have published over the years have been extremely damaging to those of us trying to live our lives diagnosed as autistic. Those of us with all forms of mental health issues and autism have had enough of being an outgroup falsely represented by the media based on the small percentage that are murderers or extremely violent. The bias is always negative. The balance needs to be restored for outgroups that are represented inaccurately to ‘spice up a story’ to attract readers. The public need to know the truth. They only hear the half of the stories that paints the outgroups as villains. That makes me angry on top of my anger issues. I will use those anger issues to argue my case with anyone that needs things explaining to them. Understanding isn’t going to come with the current media bias. I trained in media production. I have some experience but never got far on my Journalism degree before it fell apart for me. There is a lot of principals I didn’t agree with while studying these subjects due to the media’s attitude in general. It’s fine if you’re in a group that gets a positive bias but unfair if you’re in a negative bias group.

shorthand
‘We need changes now. Enough is enough. Too Much has happened’ Villanelle aka. Emma-Lucy

I just don’t care anymore.

I made an effort to get up earlier than normal (well before the afternoon anyway). I just don’t care about anything today. I barely want to even eat. I just want to sleep and be on my own all day. I’ve been out to get a few things earlier before it started raining. I’ve still not got my monthly yet. I’m nearly a week late. I am bound to not feel emotional until it makes an appearance. I thought that it was going to happen yesterday but it was just spotting. This definitely isn’t normal so my hormones must be screwed up a bit.  I don’t want to talk about that part of me anyway because it’s personal. I’m just starting to not care about anything. I have lost any passion I’ve had in life. I don’t feel that I can ever be normal again. I have tried so much to get back into life after losing my son to adoption. I just won’t ever feel able to do that because it changed me. I pretend to be happy but I don’t have the ability to really feel happy. I don’t want to have to pretend any longer. I’m broken underneath. I can’t hide from that reality. I’m never going to be free regardless of how much I try to move on. It’s impossible to move on from losing a child in any circumstances. I accepted my sons adoption but I remain broken. I don’t want to participate in life anymore. I tried to do that and made a mess ever since I lost my son to adoption. 

 

I feel guilty so much at the moment.

I can’t sleep right now. I feel exhausted but I’m too restless. I keep having dreams due to my past. Guilt is consuming me far too much. Other dreams are parts of my past technically  haunting me. I don’t want that to be a regular experience because I don’t get no proper sleep. I’m constantly waking up throughout the night every time a dream frightens me or causes me some kind of distress. I find it extremely exhausting trying to function when my sleep is full of nightmares about my past and feelings of guilt which stops me from actually going to sleep. Then I’m scared of the consequences of something I may have done in anger. I came out of prison last year obviously quite upset about the person who put me in there. I am normally very reluctant to use witchcraft stuff but I was very annoyed at their actions towards me and my ego had been shattered in the process. I’m now starting to realise that I didn’t want to send a curse their way. I can’t undo it because I’m not really sure how to actually take it off. I have never sent a curse out before. I felt that it met the criteria of exceptional circumstances to make the decision to do curse magick. I’m still quite inexperienced when it comes to the whole casting spells kind of stuff. I was understandably driven by how pissed off I was at that time. I don’t think I’d have held back when sending any kind of negative energy to fuel a curse. Also, our energies are now intermingled due to me casting it. This means that any bad luck could ping right back at me as well as affecting the intended target. I can’t take back any of that energy that I sent out because it’s out there around others. I can’t willingly go take it back because it’s not mine anymore. I just hope that it isn’t going to cause much damage. I’m also not able to be totally free from the other person because the curse loosely still connects me. I long to be able to move on. I have technically also cursed myself to always be intertwined and now I have basically screwed over myself too. I know that people reading this post who don’t believe in witchcraft will just think I’m crazy. This is entirely up to a readers personal beliefs but I have tried to not believe in order to stop nightmares and deepening impending guilt; it hasn’t worked. 

I am satisfied with my life right now.

I know that going out and doing things is what people consider normal life. I go out but I don’t feel comfortable with socialising after things that have happened in my life. That is my personal choice. I am myself and I can’t be anyone that others want me to be. I can’t enjoy going out just because that is what others expect. I used to like going out socially in my early 20s. Then my sons adoption happened. That completely changed me. I hated everything and everyone because I couldn’t accept that my son had to be adopted. A piece of me died when my son was adopted. I will never feel whole again. The system destroyed my soul when they took the action to place my son for adoption. The fact that I don’t get contact via even letterbox has chipped away at me over the years since we were parted. The whole horror of the situation has had a huge impact on me. I haven’t slept a full night since it happened. I have a constant inner emotional pain which doesn’t go away. I wasn’t that keen on being a mother when I had him but it still cuts deep like a knife.

Then I met someone who was completely like me but they decided I wasn’t even good enough to be a friend.  They were just everything that I ever desired in a person. If I can’t get them without them turning around and accusing me of stalking them then I must be defective. I liked everything about them. I even liked the not so great parts of who they were as a person. I heard that I’m not the only one they’ve reported to the police. They apparently had a habit of that but it had never got as far as court before. I still put all the blame on myself despite knowing of their past actions with others. I am now numb because I have been hurt so much in a short space of time. I try not to feel anymore. I’m just existing and I am satisfied with that for the rest of my life. I’m a dark person. We were both the same in that way. The things they liked and believed in overlapped with my interests. I may not seem a private person but the offline me is completely different in comparison. I’m a lot quieter and reserved. I’m very secretive with aspects of my life because I’ve had to be as a younger person within the social care system. I’m satisfied with being this way. I don’t miss socialising and going out feels like a huge task to do too regularly. There’s nothing wrong in living a life that makes me feel comfortable and secure. I know what I need. I certainly don’t feel like I’m missing out. 

Hormones can be really irritating.

I don’t want to go into too much information here but my monthly is three days late. I have an app on my iPhone that tracks them. It has successfully predicted the precise day I started my monthly for as long as I’ve owned this phone. I am bloated which is what normally happens before my monthly. I don’t feel the normal things anywhere else though. It’s like everything has ceased to process in that department. I’ve not changed my diet or anything. I’m still doing the same things. I’m not normally late. I’ve been late by a week but that hasn’t happened much. I didn’t have any when I was pregnant. I’m definitely not pregnant. I may just be ageing prematurely. I have silvery grey hair strands appearing in a few places. I have thick hair so I can hide them at the moment. I’m hoping that more hair strands don’t grow through grey. I’m only in my early 30s so I don’t want to go properly grey at this age.  I always feel tired which is quite annoying. I didn’t get most of the things I’d planned to do today because exhaustion hit me quite severely. I had to go to bed after I didn’t get up until midday anyway.