A few days out of routine seems to have helped / something that really bugs me.

I haven’t been able to do anything that I normally do this weekend due to the car dying on me. I look better and less stressed in my face already. Maybe I needed some time out to just exist and do things at my own pace. I would love to go out to get a few bits that I need but the weather but I’m not walking in the rain that hasn’t stopped all day. I can’t take the car because it’s dead until the battery is replaced.

Yesterday I was clearing out paperwork from various professionals which was in a file that I had full of important stuff. I ripped a lot of it up because it was duplicated or wasn’t relevant to now. I read through a few care plans and other communications I’ve had in relation to being an autistic person. I never saw it until recently because my understanding wasn’t caught up with my age group. However, I can now see how discriminative these things were written and that they were never really support agencies. If I had realised that years ago I would have kept my distance from those that were paid to support me as a disabled teenager/adult. I wouldn’t have ever been honest because this was only used against me.

The irritating thing about others starting to wake up to how people like myself have been treated for being ‘different’ is the fact that no one is putting a stop to it all. There should be plans for changes in legislation and more vocalisation to those that could change these things. Those that are in power need to listen to those that are prepared to do those things too. I don’t feel like talking to others most of the time because of the trauma of things I’ve been through. I still communicate and I think that this should be appreciated as it’s difficult when you’re plagued by awful side effects from past trauma. I want to fight for change but I am highly unlikely to be listened to by anyone that is in the position to stop all this discriminative attitude. I tried to do this when I was younger before what went on behind closed doors in the system came out but look how I was labelled. Once those of us that are different (autistic or whatever other vulnerability) are labelled negatively this sticks throughout their whole life. On paper I look like a problem, but those that know me properly see me as a quiet shy woman (as I have always been). I don’t think anyone is going to sit back and be repeatedly treated the way I was being as a youngster and up until the present day in various situations. There is only so much that I could take and that would be the same for anyone. A person can only be pushed repeatedly so long. I’m not even an impatient or easily angered person (or at least I never used to be) and I snapped after constantly being treated horrendously for many years by many parts of the system. It is important that those classed as ‘normal’ or non-diagnosed stand by our sides rather than either not taking a side or taking the systems side (even if the systems actions are morally wrong but ‘legal’). I know that it is risky to people’s jobs to stick up for those groups that get discriminated against by the system. 

One thought on “A few days out of routine seems to have helped / something that really bugs me.

  1. I read through a few care plans and other communications I’ve had in relation to being an autistic person. I never saw it until recently because my understanding wasn’t caught up with my age group. However, I can now see how discriminative these things were written and that they were never really support agencies. If I had realised that years ago I would have kept my distance from those that were paid to support me as a disabled teenager/adult. I wouldn’t have ever been honest because this was only used against me.

    Villanelle:

    I appreciate that too. When support isn’t support.

    Once those of us that are different (autistic or whatever other vulnerability) are labelled negatively this sticks throughout their whole life. On paper I look like a problem, but those that know me properly see me as a quiet shy woman (as I have always been).

    As opposed to say, a ‘provocative victim’ [which is how people motivated by the bullying literature would have treated and seen you and others like you]. And, yes, mud sticks.

    I don’t think anyone is going to sit back and be repeatedly treated the way I was being as a youngster and up until the present day in various situations. There is only so much that I could take and that would be the same for anyone. A person can only be pushed repeatedly so long. I’m not even an impatient or easily angered person (or at least I never used to be) and I snapped after constantly being treated horrendously for many years by many parts of the system.

    Yes. Only so much we can take. Especially the situations in the first sentence. No, we don’t have to accept poor behaviour from anyone – particularly from those who claim to help us and in reality intrude and insinuate.

    It is important that those classed as ‘normal’ or non-diagnosed stand by our sides rather than either not taking a side or taking the systems side (even if the systems actions are morally wrong but ‘legal’). I know that it is risky to people’s jobs to stick up for those groups that get discriminated against by the system.

    It is a learnable skill; relating to those who may not seem relatable according to your view or vision of the world. I am learning it still and it has both helped and hurt. Yes: taking the system’s side is one easy way out of our predicament; not taking a side is another easy way out. And don’t justify the system by it being ‘legal’ when it is morally and ethically wrong.

    Your job is not more important than anybody.

    Glad you found time to exist and do things at your own pace.

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