Hot, bothered and just ugh.

I am boiled in this weather. I went for a walk today but it was still horrendous hot despite there being no sun here. I finally  straightened my hair after days of it being a matted frizzy mess. I just feel so wound up due to hormones. I get it every month but it doesn’t get any easier to not allow restlessness to not affect me. There has been times I’ve literally walked around the house repeatedly to try to get rid of that feeling. It’s very stressful. I feel like I’m being constantly prodded by my mind. I also feel really bloated which isn’t making me feel any less wound up. I’m finding it hard to go for walks right now because my knee keeps swelling up and getting fluid stuck in it. That was my fault for being too enthusiastic when it came to the gym originally. I jarred my knee on an exercise bike about 10 years ago. Ever since then it comes up from time to time. I thought that I had stopped it coming up after my gp decided to drain my knee cap. That was 2 years ago and it didn’t come up until the last few months. I’m getting fluid in other parts of me too this time. On that side of me I also feel like I have fluid in my ankle. I get it around my stomach and thighs. I am always tired. I haven’t felt well for a long time but I’ve got used to being uncomfortable so the tiredness is the only thing that gets annoying. I have lost passion for life in general. The things that have gone on have started to wear me down. I always used to be a person who would be able to carry on through the worse times of my life. I am now giving up on life in general because I may never see my son again if he doesn’t want to find his birth mother. Also, the person I wanted in my life as a friend (maybe more if they wanted to go there) doesn’t want to ever give me a chance. I liked her regardless of what she may have put me through. I get told by my friends that I’m crazy to still be prepared to allow her in my life. I may be prepared to allow her in my life if she wants to ever give me a chance but I will never forgive or trust her again. I would always question her motives etc. I truly fell for her and I’m sorry I cannot help who I found attractive. She was elegant (pretty for her age) but I found her personality, mannerisms and the way she spoke so much more attractive. I liked the fact that she came across as a little rough around the edges and deeper than the surface. She won’t ever know how I feel because she doesn’t read my blog. She doesn’t give a sh*t anyway because how I feel doesn’t matter.