I just don’t want to move far today. Brain says no.

I normally want to go for a walk after a few days of not having been for one. However, I don’t want to even move today. I have been out to my reflexology appointment (once a month now to help with hormones etc). I had the best intentions to come back and do housework, more sorting out and then a walk. This just never happened after I did some paperwork for the personalised registration plate change over. I even went back out in the car to post that document. I know that sounds really lazy but I’m just getting overwhelmed. I will probably need a nap before I actually get around to the jobs and a walk later when the weather has cooled down a bit. I’m just not into walking or doing much nowadays. I would honestly rather sleep.

I’m trying to kick myself into some things but I am quite reluctant. I would tell myself to get lost if I could when I’m pushing myself. I know that sounds ridiculous but the resistance due to how I am feeling makes me feel like telling myself that. I will need to wash my hair at some point but that can wait until the end of the week. I can’t wash my hair too much any way due to how it dries out. The balance has to be between dirty and clean so that it doesn’t get dry and brittle. I rebalanced it so that I have a few more days of not needing to wash it with actual water. The defrizz dry shampoo is really helpful. I was expecting the same result as previous ones that I’ve used to just make it smell fresher. This defrizz dry shampoo doesn’t matt up my hair or make it dry.

I do want to put more temporary colours to brighten up the bleached bits in my hair soon. I don’t think that is a good idea before I have to go to court next month for that application. I’m sure that it would look appropriate with my hair back in a bun because all the top part is my natural hair colour. I’m just taking no chances of being misjudged after wearing my tinted glasses at the hearing where they sent me down. There isn’t a chance of being given a prison sentence this time because it’s a simple yes or no scenario in regards to part of the community order. I am still not prepared to take any chances though because I’m really not the same as the magistrates which will be making a decision in my case.

I have worked so hard but I still don’t expect any credit for acting non-autistic in a neurotypical society. I will never be not autistic. I can mask it because I know that I have to reel my autistic side in due to it being confusing for neurotypicals or causing them distress. Those that have a neurotypical programmed brain have no idea how hard pretending to ‘be normal’ actually can be for me. That is why I’ve taken on the Villanelle type persona. I feel that this justifies people’s assumptions about me throughout my life. I would never kill anyone (unlike the real character from killing eve) but I can be a handful. I’m going to get my degree and then technically ‘Villanelle the system’. I will make sure that I get some form of revenge on what the system did to me and many others even if it takes years. I’m getting that revenge one way or another (hopefully legally). I want to change the system. I know that everyone says that as a youngster but I mean it. There needs to be someone who can step in with the knowledge from the bottom, rather than built from a professional angle view. I don’t mind being that person because it will help me get over my past. I’d love to be known as the one that doesn’t take any crap from anyone when it comes to fighting for changes.