I can’t be here anymore.

I thought that in time the pain of my past experiences would eventually disappear or at least small enough to be able to function. It turns out that the intensity never goes away. I haven’t felt the same since my baby son’s forced adoption. I’m told by others that have been through the same experience that this feeling never goes away. There will always be a part of me missing. The emotional pain will continue to cut like a knife. I can’t take that feeling anymore. I’ve already had 5 years of feeling broken and missing my son. I have only just stopped being tearful on his birthday this year. That doesn’t stop it from hurting though. I can’t do it anymore. I’m always tired. I don’t want to do barely anything anymore. I would rather be dead. I have waited long enough to know that these painful feelings won’t get less intrusive. I think about the life I could have had all the time. I don’t want the one I’ve got now but I can’t change things. The only way to end the pain is to die. I’m not abandoning my son because he has new parents now and most likely he won’t want to find me if he’s happy with them. I can’t be a chicken any longer if I want to end the pain. Therapy doesn’t end the pain. Only death can end the pain. I have to be be brave and just do it. A life of being haunted by these feelings and pain is worse than ending it all. I don’t sleep much anymore. I’m not depressed. I just want to end my pain. The only solution is to end my life.  You never can get over a forced adoption. There is no way of moving on when you wanted what you could have had more than anything else.