Ugh… I have just had enough right now.

I was trying to have a quiet drive home when I drove through the red lights in town (the one’s that get stuck quite a lot). I took a chance in front of a cop car so they decided to pull me over. I didn’t see anything coming around the corner so I took a chance. Apparently they don’t want anyone doing that because they do come unstuck eventually. I sat there for a while and thought that they were stuck so I looked and took a chance. It is illegal to go through a red light but when that set get stuck so often it can take ages. The police officer basically told me that I shouldn’t chance it because things might come around the corner. I showed my licence and then I was allowed to go with no further action. I know that I haven’t been the only one that has chanced those lights. I wouldn’t suggest that anyone else does it now because they might be cracking down on it. At this time of the year the Police are pulling over motorists on a regular basis due to the drink/drug driving crack down. They could tell that I hadn’t been drinking or taken drugs. He had a point about not going through red lights that look stuck in case you can’t see around a corner. I see that point. I was just wanting to get home because it was late and there wasn’t barely any other cars around. I’m still not used to driving my new car yet anyway which is why I’m driving it mostly at quiet times of the day or night. 

I’m 66.6 kg now. I weighed myself tonight after having a bath (without clothes weight etc). Yes, I know it is overweight for my height (5ft 2/3) but I have got to a point where I am not going to continue to stress about a little extra weight. I’m not huge. I’m aging and also it isn’t like this is biggest I’ve ever been in my life. I was 88 kg (14 stone) at 21. I’m getting older (31). I carry most of my weight in the right places. I could have a little less on my legs but otherwise I’m spread out evenly in other places. I always say that I lack height because if I was 6ft tall I’d be perfect according to the bmi (body mass index) scale. Unfortunately, I am shorter so the bmi scale accuses me of being fat politely by saying I’m overweight. I have to eat regularly so that I can keep myself from getting exhausted for as long as possible throughout the day.

I do need to go back to the GP because this exhaustion is getting a problem. I even missed my last doctors appointment at 3pm in the afternoon because I fell asleep. I’m on my last warning regarding missing appointments (if I miss another I’ll be deregistered). I have done it a few times due to exhaustion making me sleep for long periods of time. I am not enjoying hay fever season because my eyes literally were streaming earlier. I’ve had a runny nose all day and my eyes feel puffy. I love walking in this nice weather but I would rather not have hay fever because I literally have to take a toilet roll with me. I can get a few hours relief if I take an antihistamine but when the pollen count is high or very high that only lasts briefly and there is only so many you can take in a day.

I’m even allergic to treatments that reverse overdose damage. In 2017, I ended up in hospital after overdosing on painkillers because I was depressed and wanted to end it all. I would have died if I hadn’t been awake to tell the nurses that I was itching, I couldn’t hear and my ears were swelling. They wanted to give me another dose diluted down a bit through the drip in my arm but I told them I was too afraid of being allergic again. I hadn’t got anyone there with me to speak for me. I was on my own despite my family knowing what had happened. That made me feel worse and that night I could have either died from the overdose (which was the plan) or died from the other thing that was put in a drip into my arm to prevent organ damage. I’m not having a dig at anyone because I know that family couldn’t be there for different reasons but still it made me feel vulnerable and alone. 

One thought on “Ugh… I have just had enough right now.

  1. I can see it now, “GP expels patient for being too ill to attend. When asked to comment, the GP stated, ‘I only want to see healthy patients here! What do you expect me to do with someone who chooses to be ill? We’re not a bloody charity you know!'”

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