Day: July 16, 2019

I have to bite my tongue to a certain degree and I can’t give too many identifying details about what I am angry about because this rant could be potentially used against me. Neurotypicals are beyond infuriating. I am very wound up but I’m not going to say what I’m thinking. Those of you that knew me in the past would know that this is extremely difficult for me because I’m someone that speaks their mind when something is done to me that I find offensive. I no longer launch into a three page rant about why I am annoyed at someone else’s actions. I stick to the point because people don’t listen anyway so there is no point in going on about it to them. I am however still annoyed so I’m going to say exactly how I feel about neurotypicals (non neurodiverse individuals).

Neurotypicals only want to know you when they want something. You’re a positive part of their lives until they get to know you and then they want to get rid of you because the autism and everything that involves is ‘not what they signed up for’. They’re all the same. None of them are worth giving an inch of trust. I want to get one thing straight. I do not have a carer! I don’t want people calling my Mother because she is not equipped to even be a support for an autistic person. She gave me my mental health issues! I tried to find another Mother and I was labelled a criminal. Mine doesn’t know how to love and is emotionally unavailable. That isn’t even an insult but just how it is the reality. I have never had any malicious intentions but I am treated awfully by others. Others don’t want to be friends with people like me even though we need friends more than many others who make and keep friends so easily. I have online friends but I don’t have them offline. That is mostly because I don’t like being physically around others that much. I prefer to socialise online. I don’t even want to go out anymore because of how I’ve been treated in the past. I’m fed up of people thinking that they can invade my privacy by getting involved in my life.

I don’t appreciate people calling members of my family just because I have a form of autism. I don’t need an interpreter. If someone has something to say to me then they can communicate with me directly. I understand more than people know but may not necessarily agree. I just feel like people treat me like I’m a disease and I hate it. Stop complaining about me not being ‘normal’ and proposing or carrying out sanctions for it. It is completely cruel. Others haven’t even given me a chance in the past and then treated me like I wasn’t good enough. I have had it with neurotypical unwritten social rules and regulations. I won’t ever be able to follow them. I still want a family of my own, friends, a relationship and eventually some form of work. That will never happen while neurotypicals are continuing to view our autistic differences in a negative way.

They are basically treating us as second class citizens and the worse thing about that is their inability to see what their actions do to us. These kinds of actions cause autistics to commit suicide because they can’t take how society treats them. I was picked on growing up and I won’t allow that behaviour towards me any longer. I am not just sitting back and saying nothing about what I have observed or experienced. Neurotypicals may insist that they understand autism but the way that they behave in their actions or what they say suggests otherwise. They aren’t even willing to listen so that the likes of me can teach them to work to a middle ground that suits everyone, whether you’re neurotypical or neurodiverse. The autistic’s that have found someone, work, have a group of friends and/or had children which they were allowed to keep should count themselves as lucky because the majority of us can’t get the right people in our lives to have that life.

I was trying to have a quiet drive home when I drove through the red lights in town (the one’s that get stuck quite a lot). I took a chance in front of a cop car so they decided to pull me over. I didn’t see anything coming around the corner so I took a chance. Apparently they don’t want anyone doing that because they do come unstuck eventually. I sat there for a while and thought that they were stuck so I looked and took a chance. It is illegal to go through a red light but when that set get stuck so often it can take ages. The police officer basically told me that I shouldn’t chance it because things might come around the corner. I showed my licence and then I was allowed to go with no further action. I know that I haven’t been the only one that has chanced those lights. I wouldn’t suggest that anyone else does it now because they might be cracking down on it. At this time of the year the Police are pulling over motorists on a regular basis due to the drink/drug driving crack down. They could tell that I hadn’t been drinking or taken drugs. He had a point about not going through red lights that look stuck in case you can’t see around a corner. I see that point. I was just wanting to get home because it was late and there wasn’t barely any other cars around. I’m still not used to driving my new car yet anyway which is why I’m driving it mostly at quiet times of the day or night. 

I’m 66.6 kg now. I weighed myself tonight after having a bath (without clothes weight etc). Yes, I know it is overweight for my height (5ft 2/3) but I have got to a point where I am not going to continue to stress about a little extra weight. I’m not huge. I’m aging and also it isn’t like this is biggest I’ve ever been in my life. I was 88 kg (14 stone) at 21. I’m getting older (31). I carry most of my weight in the right places. I could have a little less on my legs but otherwise I’m spread out evenly in other places. I always say that I lack height because if I was 6ft tall I’d be perfect according to the bmi (body mass index) scale. Unfortunately, I am shorter so the bmi scale accuses me of being fat politely by saying I’m overweight. I have to eat regularly so that I can keep myself from getting exhausted for as long as possible throughout the day.

I do need to go back to the GP because this exhaustion is getting a problem. I even missed my last doctors appointment at 3pm in the afternoon because I fell asleep. I’m on my last warning regarding missing appointments (if I miss another I’ll be deregistered). I have done it a few times due to exhaustion making me sleep for long periods of time. I am not enjoying hay fever season because my eyes literally were streaming earlier. I’ve had a runny nose all day and my eyes feel puffy. I love walking in this nice weather but I would rather not have hay fever because I literally have to take a toilet roll with me. I can get a few hours relief if I take an antihistamine but when the pollen count is high or very high that only lasts briefly and there is only so many you can take in a day.

I’m even allergic to treatments that reverse overdose damage. In 2017, I ended up in hospital after overdosing on painkillers because I was depressed and wanted to end it all. I would have died if I hadn’t been awake to tell the nurses that I was itching, I couldn’t hear and my ears were swelling. They wanted to give me another dose diluted down a bit through the drip in my arm but I told them I was too afraid of being allergic again. I hadn’t got anyone there with me to speak for me. I was on my own despite my family knowing what had happened. That made me feel worse and that night I could have either died from the overdose (which was the plan) or died from the other thing that was put in a drip into my arm to prevent organ damage. I’m not having a dig at anyone because I know that family couldn’t be there for different reasons but still it made me feel vulnerable and alone.