I didn’t sleep at all last night. I just couldn’t settle again. I don’t think I ever will truly be able to settle until I’ve moved away from this area. I’m always on edge here because of things that have happened. I can’t afford to move for the foreseeable future. I can’t settle in my own home because I fear being accused of things and the police coming to get me. I have nightmares. I hear small noises and they make me feel like I’m trembling and panicked. I have tried so hard to deal with my issues in relation to be able to relax in my own space (flat) but I don’t think anything will work unless I move to a different county. I shouldn’t have to leave the county that I grew up in. I just can’t stand the bullying and the way that I have always been treated here due to being misunderstood or just abused by those that like to target the vulnerable.
Others don’t understand that I cannot get over these affects with therapy. I cannot train myself to ignore threats that are very real. They aren’t irrational fears created by paranoia etc. I’m a police target and will always be used to meet conviction targets. Those of us in the groups that are used as system targets are very aware that we constantly have to be on our guard. This is a reality and a fact of life when we are different conflicting with laws that are seen from the perspective of those interacting with us. Our intentions aren’t taken into account. We are guilty on another’s interpretation of how we act due to autism or mental health issues. I see a valid reason to be fearful in this county. In other parts of the country I wasn’t targeted by police because the Crown Prosecution Service didn’t have such high targets to meet. I can’t relax here because nothing is finished. I can’t relax while there is a restraining order in force indefinitely due to this technically making me a potential police target for the rest of my life. I can’t be at peace knowing that it keeps me as a potential target for police harassment and being used as a conviction target. I’m rightfully stressed over that aspect of how things have been left indefinitely. I can’t get others to see where I’m coming from. Unless they had experienced the things I have when it comes to the police and being punished for being different due to my autism traits, it’s unlikely that others will ever get the point I have tried to make for a long time.