I feel underwhelmed right now. I’m just completely done with the things that are happening in the world. I am too tired to even do any tasks properly. I don’t feel like I’ll ever get things done because I have like an invisible lead chain attached to me. I’m not depressed any more. I’m just extremely tired from the endless repetitiveness of life stuff. I find it hard to get through a whole day. I got up at a decent time today after weeks of getting up late. The days feel so long when I get up at a normal hour. I do have a lot to do but I feel held down by the tiredness. I felt sick too for the last week. I don’t feel sick any longer but I’m still tired.
I am just basically fed up with my life. I want to do so much more and be something. I do not want to feel like I’m drifting along endlessly. I get frustrated at the limitations that my autism side causes me.
I’m also living in fear constantly due to the things that have happened in the past. I still jump every time I hear my door buzzer or someone knocks on my door (even if I’m expecting a parcel or something). I also keep having nightmares which keep waking me up. This has a knock on affect on me feeling tired. That is why I get up later. I can’t live like that long term. The nightmares aren’t helping my anxiety. I wake up scared of whatever was in the dream and then proceed to be jumpy for the rest of the day. Antidepressants, counselling or anything else which is therapy really isn’t going to make me get over things and not feel the effects of the past. I get frightened of police coming near me. I will have to go to court regarding the an order amendment soon (I now have a fear of courts so that won’t be easy). I have nightmares consisting of prison-like environments. I’m no longer able to trust anyone.
Then I get another statement from the Student Loans Company saying that my outstanding balance is still on my account. The university had obviously ignored my letter about getting the loan written off because of them letting me down severely which led to me getting permanently suspended. I didn’t even get a reply to that letter. My initial loan was nearly £1,000, which was approved for the modules I was supposed to be studying part time. This has now started to accrue interest at an alarming rate which sees me more than £1,200 in debt, an increase of over 20%. I was given the opportunity to attend almost none of the course I paid for because the university told me that I wasn’t allowed to continue for reasons that are at best very dubious. I wasn’t getting tuition after the first three months. I am going to take this issue with the loan further because I don’t see why I should have to pay it as a matter of principle after what happened and the horribleness of the whole situation which spiralled from it. I was also nearly coerced into leaving quietly by the mental health manager there who told me that if I did decide to withdraw (before they took me to disciplinary proceedings) then he could write a letter recommending that the loan be wiped off the system so that I didn’t have to pay it back. The Student Loans Company tells me it is up to the university to say that they will write the loan off due to whatever reason. I wrote a letter to the finance department explaining why I felt that they should consider the loan being written off and told them that they would have to communicate this to the Student Loan Company. Obviously, they never replied to me regarding the issue nor communicated with the Student Loans Company, otherwise I wouldn’t have got that in the mail today.