“The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing”. -Albert Einstein

Those that watch others doing evil without doing anything are enabling those acts. This makes those that do nothing against what is going on within society just as bad as those doing these things. I have read a lot of things written by parents on autism groups regarding PDA autistic children starting to display violence when they’re about to reach their teenage years. Some of those parents have resorted to calling the police on their own children. Others are putting their children into residential care because they cannot keep them at home due to violent outbursts.

The issues are being caused by our current school system. Our schools are more demanding than in the ’90s and early 2000s when I was at school. However, even the adult education system has the same structure which causes anger issues that lead to physical violence in those susceptible to physically acting out their aggression. The education system punishes these autistic children (adults in the higher education) for their differences constantly until the point where those individuals feel suffocated by those around them constantly pecking them to act ‘normal’. This creates behaviour that is extreme similar to the level of a shaken cola bottle. That is what happened to me several times in my life. These individuals have been masking how stressed they’ve become by others pushing them to act/communicate normally.

Then we get to the part of these situations where others stand by watching what is happening but do or say nothing. That makes these people just as bad as those that are actually doing the wrong things. The usage of non-disclosure agreements within the system is also not helping to stop abusive practices towards vulnerable adults.

I remember when I was going through what happened with my son after he was born. I went everywhere to try to get help for my autism combined with post natal depression so that my son wouldn’t be taken into care, let alone adopted. I never got anything. I was given antidepressants and every health care professional involved in my son’s case was against me ever being a mother right from when I was first pregnant. I was offered an abortion when adult mental health services found out that I was pregnant initially. The social worker suggested that option and particularly pushed the case for abortion rather than any other alternative. I found myself referred to child protection services because I told them I was keeping my baby. I attended some meetings during my pregnancy due to the pre-birth plan which were really distressing. I was constantly attacked at these meetings about aspects of my disability. I was in a room full of professionals on my own while I was living down south. I felt bullied and they made me not want to be a mum. I tried to tell my family members what had happened. There was only one time that I got upset by one of those meetings when they turned on the pressure quite a lot and I rang my mum crying down the phone. That wasn’t a usual reaction for me but at this professional meeting I felt attacked to the point where I actually ran out the room, out of the building and back to my home. The professionals (including my own social worker) didn’t even bother to check on me in case anything had happened despite me being about seven months pregnant. 

With regard to my school days, adult education, social services involvement and the university situation, there were many opportunities for others to step in and stop myself and others being mistreated. That never happened because people were too afraid of losing their jobs etc, therefore wrongdoing was unchallenged. Instead, I was scapegoated for reacting to the horrendous actions and bullying from those places. I didn’t deserve anything I experienced. I’m never going to completely lose my autism traits and bullying tactics won’t help in that department either. I know that I’m innocent despite being told to plead guilty to things over the years. I reacted to how I was treated. I was legitimately angry over how I had been treated. I do not deserve to be punished the rest of my life. I don’t get to see my son nor even get letterbox contact due to it being a closed adoption. I also have a restraining order against me for life which was caused by the university’s actions. I just need some form of justice. I do not deserve the comments and assumptions that I’ve had directed at me. I don’t deserve to be seen as an awful unwanted person. I’m certainly not scary. I get bullied due to being a weakling and not having the ability to stick up for myself. I always hope that others will give me some justice by legally fixing everything but I won’t get that from the selfish individuals that have stated certain awful assumptions about me to everyone on Twitter previously. How would others like to be on the receiving end of harassment and stalking accusations from those that they’ve turned to for help during times that they were being bullied by the system? They see my alleged behaviour as evil but that is exactly what others have actually done to me during my life! There is no justification for those actions but the fact that those accusers are evil and really haven’t a clue about autism whatsoever. I don’t have a malicious bone in my body and the assumptions made about me deeply hurt me especially when they are put on a public forum.

Attitudes and general assumptions which can be quite triggering.

I am convinced that people do not listen because of the kind of attitudes and assumptions I experience. I started this blog etc to educate the public from a perspective that they find hard to see naturally. I do realise that dealing with the public can become volatile when they display an ignorance to things they cannot understand. I just feel that there is only so much I’m willing to turn a blind eye towards without saying something. I do not want to offend but I’m going to be quite blunt here.

In my past I only ever wanted a friend. I saw everyone at school paired up and I really wanted to have a ‘best’ friend.  I was labelled from a child due to my differences which led to everything that happened in my adult life. Those that stooped to the lowest level of labelling a child for wanting a friend so badly it physically hurt should be ashamed of themselves. They never let me grow up before assuming I was mad or bad. I had to watch my dad’s illness get worse and towards my teens his illness got quite severe to the point where our whole lives were affected after he ended up having to rely on oxygen. The system never asked what the reason behind my behaviour issues were, they only punished me. There were reasons I didn’t want to live at home and it wasn’t because I was an awful person. I didn’t feel able to watch things progressing because I knew my dad didn’t like living that way but he also didn’t want the alternative which was going to happen at some point. We were close. There are still photos of him when he was quite ill. I can see the unhappiness in his eyes. I even had a dream eight weeks before he passed away predicting his death. I never said anything until after it happened. We were at the point where the hospital visits were like putting band aids on the issues but they were only temporary fixes prolonging his life a tiny bit more. It was hard to see that at the time because no one wanted him to pass away for as long as possible.

I am seriously fed up of the attitudes I experience from even those that call themselves friends sometimes. You really don’t know my truth. I have never let people know the inner me. I’m not that autistic to not realise the hints in some of the things they say to me. I don’t like it because it does my mental well-being no good when I’m trying to move on in life.

And, as for our system, I am still getting nowhere with the Section 117 aftercare  meeting request. The place that it was passed onto hasn’t even replied to me. Then DMU (De Montfort University) never bothered to reply about sorting out the loan which I shouldn’t have to pay back. They shouldn’t even have been paid for that term because I was suspended before it actually finished. I told student finance what was happening at that time. It looks like DMU never informed them that I was no longer on the course because they sent me the statement after I would have graduated. The fact that they’ve added interest on something I virtually didn’t use is also adding insult to injury after everything that happened. This is what I have to put up with as a vulnerable adult/autistic person. I’m ignored when I put in valid requests or complaints. Then I’m supposed to not react after doing things the correct way has just got me ignored. The services never listen to disabled people. The university was always ignoring things. This is how the situation ended up the way that it did. I’m not blaming other people. It’s the truth. I’m sure other victims of the university’s messes can see that what I’m saying is true. Many of those people are still unable to be open about it due to non disclosure agreements. I know that I wasn’t the only student to experience the appalling treatment by the university but others are less willing to be open about their encounters with senior management there. I know that I’m in the right about the loan issue so why should I just lay down and let them leave it on my account? 

I am finding it impossible to sleep tonight. :(

I’m unsettled tonight because I’m hot, bothered and full of hay fever. I have taken anti allergy medication so the hay fever symptoms should ease off soon. I have probably blown my nose nearly 50 times today. I didn’t take anything for it. I don’t feel that it is a major issue during the day but to get any sleep I have to take something to turn it off for a few hours. I honestly don’t think I will get to sleep tonight anyway. The heat from the weather is impossible to turn off. I’m going to find the weekend temperatures hell to sleep in if I am already finding it hard now.

While I’m on the subject of sleep I would like to raise an important issue in relation to sleeping medications no longer being prescribed long term by the medical profession. In my case this is quite problematic. I’m certain that this is the situation for many on the autistic spectrum. I still find it difficult to get to sleep after things that have happened and that are unresolved. The zopiclone types of medication was something I found quite useful. They prevented melt downs from being extremely tired from lack of sleep over a prolonged period of time. These types of medication are very important to people on the autistic spectrum. The guidelines on prescribing them were changed due to deaths. Those deaths were due to improper use of the medication. Those of us that didn’t misuse it in any way are now suffering chronic sleep loss because of the minority that either reacted to it badly or overdosed. This medication was the only reason I didn’t drop out of my GCSEs. Then they discontinued them for long term use.  They’re opening a whole new cart load of issues that tiredness can potentially cause. Anger issues, leads to more conflict in society which none of us need. Inability to function due to your brain not ever getting a rest. We need them back because some of us have brains that don’t even switch off when we are are asleep. I can physically go to sleep but then have a nightmare which means I wake up feeling like I haven’t slept due to my brain being too active.

Same ole’ sh*t.

I spent most of the day in Bed again. I’m not depressed but I wanted a rest. I didn’t get to sleep until late. I went for a two hour walk after I got up because I haven’t been for one in two days. I’ve been busy doing other things. I’m feeling tired and quite cold. I’m sure that I am still a little under the weather. I have bad hay fever symptoms today. The worse part is my runny nose. I woke up with a watery eye. I’m blowing my nose all the time. 

I walk out of my flat only to see that the Police are doing the same ole’ shit towards vulnerable adults. They were arresting someone who physically was having issues walking alongside the Police Officer. I got looked at by the Officer (they know me and I have reported one of them for inappropriate behaviour in the past a few years ago). There was two Police Officers, one was driving their unmarked Car. I don’t know the details, but I just know what the Police system is like in this area. There are targets in force here, along with the local Crown Prosecution Service (Notts and Leics), they charge then prosecute easy targets (vulnerable adults etc), normally under the harrassment and public order offences acts. Those laws are based on other peoples perceptions of behaviours which is why they are continuing to get away with criminalising vulnerable adults. So, yes, same ole’ shit going on in this area just like it always has done. I wanted to do my degree primarily to challenge the above but I’m put off by how hard this is going to be in regards to changing the current system.