I know this…

I am aware that others think I am ungrateful for the things that I do have in my life. That isn’t right. I’m appreciative of the positive things in my life. I know that I have a lot more than others. I am lucky that I don’t have to work to financially support myself. I am certainly better off financially this year than last year because I managed to get my benefits reinstated after I lost them during the DLA to PIP switch over. I’m not totally unaware that parts of my life could have been worse. I have met others that had it a lot worse than me growing up. I’m not a spoilt little princess type. I’m more grounded than I may portray to the outside world. There are some things that others went through which I know that I wouldn’t survive. I’m understanding. I do not judge because I have met people from all different types of backgrounds during the things that I’ve been through. I believe that everyone is a result of their experiences. However, that can go either way.  On one hand it can make some people more humble and giving to others. Whereas, on the other hand, it can cause people to get overly protective of themselves which results in them appearing quite aggressive to others.

I have bitten back severely when I felt attacked in the past. I have high walls from my unpleasant experiences. I get afraid if someone enters my feelings etc because they bypass those walls. I mess up more if I care about someone else due to the continuous fight to keep the wall up and let them in at the same time.

I may moan about the negative aspects of my life but I do realise I’m lucky in other ways. I have a home, a car, enough money coming in to live comfortably without the added pressure of being forced to get a job while I’m still not feeling well quite a lot both mentally and physically. I have my cats to keep me company when I’m at home. I have family members who reasonably help me out from time to time if I need it. That is quite a comfortable life. The only thing that I don’t feel is fulfilled. I feel like I’m drifting in a directionless haze. That is why I appear ungrateful. That feeling annoys me. I feel like I don’t have a purpose in this life. I have no role to play due to my son having been adopted and other limitations. I feel like I’m just existing despite the comfortable life that I currently experience.