I’m feeling vulnerable due to illness, so honesty time.

I have felt ill and very tired all day (hardly slept last night because I kept waking up). The fact that I’m ill is taking my barriers down today. I’m normally really stubborn and won’t lay down my defences easily. I’m feeling too tired to hold up those barriers right now. She who doesn’t want to be named on here is going to get mentioned. I’m not going to be mean or anything along those lines. I’m still not over what happened properly though. That is going to take a while. It isn’t irritating me as much as it has done for the last couple of years. That most likely means I’m feeling better than I have done previously in a long time.  

Things do all happen for a reason. I may be deliriously tired right now but I mean every word of what I’m about to say. If I hadn’t met the other person then things would have been different. I was determined to get my all the qualifications I missed at school because of their rejection. I wanted to show them that I was worth knowing. I have the stubborn streak where I will dig my heels in when people make out that I’m not ‘good enough’ in any way. I pushed myself harder the last 4 years due to how they treated me. I feel that it did me some good in the long run. One day we may be able to laugh at how we both pinged our barriers sky high when we first met each other, the way we had parts of us that truly clashed so much that neither of us would back down. I may still be miffed about her not doing what I wanted but I will always respect her. I understand the not so pleasant parts of her personality after everything, more than she will ever realise. That is why I backed off. There are certain similarities between us that means I can never push them to agree with how I wanted things to be.

The more I nagged them regarding the thing that I wanted them to do, the more they’ll dig their heels in. We are both as stubborn as hell in similar ways. We both don’t listen to others and have to come to decisions ourselves rather than feeling pressured. I will always stupidly care about her regardless of how badly I was treated. I know that I acted really wrong and didn’t act like I cared at all. I thought it was the right way to be at that time. I wasn’t mature enough to see things as I do nowadays. I was too wrapped up in my own life to really consider anything happening on the outside in others lives. I was too wrapped up in trying to prove that I was worth something and that I was ‘good enough’.