I don’t think I’ll ever be ‘good enough’. It doesn’t matter how many times I try to ‘level up’.

I finally passed my level 2 Maths after a few years of attempts to get up to the level that I should be so that I could say I ‘ officially have now finished school’. I’m happy that I persevered because there was so many times that I could have given up and walked away over the last few years. I didn’t help that the subject literally gave me brain ache. I actually feel lighter because this inability to pass a certain level was feeling like a huge weight on top of me. I got angry at myself because I wanted to prove to the outside world that I was just as able as them in most areas. I felt like I wasn’t ‘levelling up’ every time I failed to reach that goal. I’m quite competitive in nature… which doesn’t help when it comes to feeling ‘below’ everyone else.

It isn’t a game type of levelling up, but a necessity for me due to how I was labelled. I’m trying to break free of that label. Those that picked on me for being different will probably make sure that the gossip circulates so that I never get given a chance. If I was not trying to make an effort then I would be literally driving everyone mad with ocd type messaging still. I’m not. In fact, people tell me I’m actually quiet a lot now. I’m much more comfortable with my own company nowadays. I used to get lonely but I don’t any more. I actually prefer the cats to human companions. They can’t talk back but they communicate by the way that they act towards me. Humans are just completely awful. They don’t care how they treat people and subsequently how that treatment makes them feel or affects them long term. I will tell you all how it affects me. Depression, eating disorder type behaviour and intense inner stress trying to be ‘perfect’ so that others will accept me. That is a huge problem which I have been given due to how I have been treated by others. I feel left out. I feel like I’m ‘not good enough’ just by being open about who I am. I may be unemployed but I make myself useful. I am always busy doing things for others because I want acceptance so badly.

I’m so tired of working so hard to be like everyone ‘normal’ when others just see me as Autistic. I don’t even tell people that I’m Autistic straight away and even when I do tell others after getting to know me… suddenly this means I’m not good enough. Even when I was seen in a positive light before I was honest. I feel that it is unfair on anyone that I may have a future friendship or relationship with if I don’t disclose that I’m Autistic and the problems that I’ve had due to it. I don’t think hiding it is the right thing to do. I don’t want others to take my issues that I’ve been left with due to experiences that have resulted in me getting PTSD symptoms personally. And then it’s like I have to accept a lower standard of all aspects of life.

I get looked at as some kind of joke or a threat because of being honest about my past issues and Autism. I had the year from hell in 2018. I was too afraid to be completely open about it back then with the people in my offline life. I got through that and now I can honestly say that these issues that led to my year from hell are behind me. I have worked hard to not be annoying and persistent with any interactions. That was extremely hard for me because my ocd part of my brain was very difficult to break free from. I have now managed to do that. I never thought that it was actually possible. I kept saying to myself that I couldn’t change even when I was punished for my behaviour problems. I just want a chance. I can’t have a fresh start completely until I have enough saved up to move area away from where I grew up. I will probably be moved within the next 5 years, sooner if the landlord decides I can no longer live here due to me being honest. Well, I wasn’t honest in so many words but if he read the blog he is now aware of things I was too afraid to mention the only time the rent was ever late. I hope that I can stay here short term until I’m financially ready to move to another area.

Author: Diary of a Painfully Shy Introvert

A blog written by a female diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome but suspected PDA in more recent years. Musings of a Trainee Battleaxe was created to not only create awareness of the PDA part of the spectrum; but also to educate the public hopefully creating understanding in order to stop future generations being let down and labelled negatively. Disclaimer: There may be parts of this blog which viewers may find upsetting as it contains accounts of real life events which have been quite traumatic. However, it is all to help create a sense of understanding and combat the fear surrounding all aspects of mental illness and Pathological Avoidance Syndrome (a very little understood part of the autistic spectrum).

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