I don’t want anyone around me to take things personally that I don’t trust anyone at this point of my life. I have my reasons due to what I have been through. I like a quiet life now after just everything that happened last year. I won’t let anyone close enough to screw me over again. It isn’t a reflection on anyone around me. I am simply protecting myself. I used to be really open about my private life. However, now I am not due to meeting many abusive people that took advantage because they knew I had Autism. I trusted the wrong people. Even those that I trusted would probably even admit that they were wrong for me. They didn’t really care about me at all, in some respects, I don’t think that they had the capacity to care about anyone but themselves.
I just don’t want the hassle of others influence and involvement in my life. I even stop myself being friendly in case I get seen as either weird or someone who has malicious intentions. I may relax eventually but it is going to take a long time. I’m not going to get over the things that have happened for a while yet. I feel like I’ve wasted my time on people that weren’t worth it. I always wanted to be part of a family because mine is kind of disjointed and since my Dad passed away I have barely seen that half. I was trying to create my own sense of family but that blew up in my face. I ended up feeling insecure because others made me feel not good enough. I stopped believing that I was able to do anything. I still haven’t got my confidence back and I’m not sure that will ever happen. I don’t feel comfortable in close relationships any longer.
I don’t mind hanging out sometimes but I can’t settle down with anyone because of the things that have happened. I want to be in a relationship and have more children… maybe get married but they’d have to be good at convincing me that it’s worth going there. But, not yet. I need to sort my own things out first. If I met the person that I may end up with as a friend tomorrow then that would be fine, but not officially getting together until I’m at least mid 30s. I’m not rushing anything any more. That is no reflection on anyone else. I don’t want others to be offended by how I act and me trying to keep my distance while I’m still fragile.