I probably shouldn’t have said that I was feeling better because today I started feeling tired again. I didn’t even feel like getting up this morning. I eventually dragged myself out of Bed. However, yet again, I didn’t get the things I’d planned to do as far as tidying the flat to get ready to decorate. I’m being nagged by my Mother to clear things out because apparently I have too much stuff in the way.
I got some things done but it just seems a massive job due to having built up too much stuff. I went for a walk when I finally woke up properly and did a bit of tidying up. I couldn’t walk long because it was far too hot. I’m surprised that I’m not burnt yet. I admit that I didn’t put sun cream on but I didn’t spend that long out in the sun walking over the last two days anyway. I had a skirt on today. I know that is very unusual for me. I like to wear trousers due to having awful knees and my legs are horrendously pale. I could fake tan it but it always goes streaky on me. I’m at peace with my paleness nowadays. I used to hate it as a teenager and in my early 20s. I spent years trying to get a tan and tried disastrous attempts at fake tanning.
I hope I’m not getting ill again because I have so much to do. I’m not as tired as I was but I thought that I was properly better. I know that iron levels go up and down. This weather is probably not making it easier not to get tired. I feel overwhelmed at the state of the mass of stuff that needs clearing out the flat before I can even tidy the decorating up (I have to replace some carpets and put paint/wallpaper in places due to the cat damage). I know that I have to change my surroundings but I get depressed looking at what needs doing. I’m not even sure if my mother will even ‘get around’ to helping me with decorating as she says that she will do things but then doesn’t do them or leaves it up to me to do it. That is why I’m so independent. I’m used to having to pick up the slack from family members.
It’s not their fault that they aren’t very forthcoming with solid plans so that I know things will actually get done. It’s how things have gone since Dad passed away (9 years ago) and my Son got sent for adoption (5 years ago). We’ve all been existing and not really going anywhere. I managed to get all but one of my GCSE passes but I felt pushed by those around me to carry on with life as normal. I’ve just got to hope that everyone else sticks to their plans after I’ve done my bit. I’m fighting tiredness and depression all the time though which makes my part delayed. I know I’ll feel a bit better when things look less like a mess. The more I don’t do it, the worse I may feel in regards to how it depresses me that the Cat damage is on the walls and some of the carpets need replacing.