I hope that you all had an okay Easter. As people know, I am Pagan so I don’t really celebrate it. We have Ostara in the middle of March and Beltane on 1st May. Although I am not religious, I was sad to hear of the Sri Lanka attacks today. I think that religion just causes trouble. I’m not an atheist but I just can’t believe there is such a thing as a God. I have seen too many things that has convinced me that there can’t be a God. I don’t want to upset anyone that does have religious beliefs but I only made my opinion based on what I have seen and experienced in my life. I’ve been told that I’ll go to hell if I don’t believe etc but that doesn’t scare me due to the fact that I have lived in hell like circumstances while alive. The miracles that I have wished for in my life never came to me. I was christened as a baby and a lot of my family do believe in a traditional religion. I just felt that what I grew up into wasn’t what I actually personally believed. I still believe in being a decent person but that’s not due to the fact that I fear being condemned to hell after I die. That is technically all that religion teaches.
I am enjoying the bank holiday heat. I tried to go for a walk it in today but it was just too hot after about an hour. I didn’t get up until late because I couldn’t sleep (see last blog entry). I also found out something really interesting that I didn’t know previously. It isn’t common knowledge because the system doesn’t want this legal avenue used due to the precedent that it could potentially create. Apparently, after 11 years post any conviction, a person can apply to have their record removed if they have not received any convictions or cautions since. I am going to apply to do that because I will have my law degree by then and be able to do the paperwork myself to cut costs of legal advice/assistance down. I’m hoping that it works because no one has been granted a removal of their records via this method yet. As I have previously stated, they do not let these things to be approved in our courts as a matter of routine because it would set a precedent and lead to a ruling in case law that could be used to remove the records of those that could be potentially dangerous. I can use the argument that I was young, very naïve and my PDA autism didn’t help the mix when I got myself into trouble. I also just wanted a friend as my principal main objective. I don’t agree that it should be used for those that broke the law on purpose and who have been convicted of the most violent crimes. I want to go ahead with it because I think our Criminal Justice System is a mess and it needs challenging.
I also want to try to get the law amended in regards to adoption. I want to try to get the two year adoption reversal ruling that they have in the USA introduced in the UK. Also, I heard something about changing your birth certificate to common law. Our birth certificates are owned by the government but if you apply to convert it into common law then they can no longer own your identity. More importantly, after registering the birth of your baby with the government you should apply to convert their birth certificate to common law as soon as possible. This prevents the government agencies being able to step in to take the children of disabled people so easily. I’m not sure about this legal avenue’s details yet but I’m doing some research.
I have tried to be nice about it. I have attempted to understand things from a different point of view. However, I still feel victimised when things keep me awake. I’ve had to take sleeping tablets to not care about it enough to get some sleep in the past. I get frustrated because I do not want things to be a certain way between me and another person. I can’t approach them due to the restraining order and as it lasts indefinitely because I stupidly broke it originally I cannot try to approach them about clearing the air etc. This isn’t fair on me and they’ve played the victim making me look the awful party. I get kept awake by it. That impacts my life because I end up tired and unable to function properly. I don’t want to seem like I’m trying to force someone into doing what I need but it’s gone on long enough. I know that if the other person is a narcissist type then they’re going to be enjoying watching me suffer. Those types like to torture those that they see as targets and enjoy being mentioned due to how powerful it makes them feel. They play the victim to those that they know and that gets them attention.
I am not up to playing games. I do not want things to continue as they are currently. I get distressed over it and I can’t sleep. I’m absolutely fed up of being treated like I’m some kind of disease and accused of things I never actually did by the other person. I just want it to end due to how it makes me feel about myself. I feel like a failure because this other person has made me feel that way by their accusations and order for the last 3 years. I have felt emotionally abused by everything that has happened. Then a friend of theirs tries to tell me the university wanted the order. I’m sick of people trying to swerve responsibility. May I remind everyone that none of us involved are at that university any longer. It takes one application to remove the order to the magistrates court. One quick session in that court with both parties there and everything is back to normal. I also just want to say that I have never been a threat to the other person. I said things in anger because of the situation at the time. I was also begging for their help after my son’s adoption but they turned away. They are the awful one, not me.
I only ever wanted a friend. I never followed them. I have never been to their house. I only found out things about them by total accident when I was digging for other information. I just want them to finally cut the bullsh*t because I’ve had enough of being made to feel the way I have felt for the last three years due to their attitude against me. I didn’t chose to be autistic. I explained my autism to them right at the start to avoid legal issues. They have NOTHING to fear from me. I am harmless and always only had pure innocent intentions. I just don’t want to be made to feel this way by them any more. They’ve destroyed my confidence keeping things the way they remain. I have got it into my head that I’ll never be good enough because they won’t give me a chance. I started thinking that I was an evil person due to their friends relaying the accusations against me they’ve insinuated to them. Things need to desperately be stripped right back and all the old sh*t, like the order, along with everything that has been said in anger and emotion thrown in the past bin. A clean slate and possibly getting to know each other again would help me and make them see that I’m not a threat.