Some things have to be said. And, this is the first time I have ever disclosed the events leading up to my son being taken into care.

I am the kind of person that says what others are most likely thinking. This time its regarding the constant stories about adoption related issues. The latest is post adoption depression. The fact that adopters get help when they’ve gone and told their social worker but when it comes to the birth parents needing help they take the children from them rather than provide help. The GP and midwife/health visitor knew I was depressed after my sons birth. Instead of being supportive they lied about me trying to cause trouble behind my back. I went to the GP before everything fell apart. I told them I felt horrendous emotionally. They gave me anti depressants. Then more added pressure by social services, both adult and child services. I eventually crumbled and told a person I thought was a friend that I had shook him. I was a new mum under a lot of stress because I was being pushed to fail by the assessments and I did think I had hurt him by accident.

8 weeks of intense pressure and false reports going to child services from some people I knew online destroyed me by the time he was 8 weeks old. I couldn’t do it any longer. They made me despise being a mother and indirectly made me regret having him. Even when I announced that I was pregnant, the first thing that I was offered was an abortion suggested by the adult mental health team. I declined and then got referred to child protection services. I was honest with them because they told me that they were there to provide support. I willingly signed all my records over because they told me it was procedure. I had nothing to hide because I didn’t know about the things that had been written about me historically.

I was forced to move back to the county where I grew up otherwise they threatened to take him at birth. I moved back with my mother as instructed. People I had met in the social services support groups on fb were maliciously reporting me and under the pressure I said the wrong thing. I then lost him forever. I’m punished for life due to a comment I was pushed to say by what was done to me. I see others that haven’t got a form of autism being given a chance on life but I’m never allowed another chance. I seem to get permanently punished because I have a condition which isn’t understood properly and certainly not accepted by society. I mess up and a final decision to punish me for being different and getting annoyed at how I’m treated prior to saying the wrong things. I just wish it would end. I’ve truly paid my dues several times over for every mistake I have made. It is time people are fair towards me. The least his adoptive parents could do is write me a letter once a year. They know the truth as to what happened now if they happen to read my blog. Is it really fair that I was denied help, pushed hard to fail which led to what I said. I was rail roaded into signing a section 20 to put him into care because thet told my solicitor that if i didn’t they had enough evidence to get a interim care order and stop me picking my son up from the hospital by getting the police. After my sons adoption had happened I found notes entered by the police saying they wouldn’t have attended anyway because a crime hadn’t been committed and my son’s tests all came back normal. I was set up and it was a wrongful adoption but in the UK we have no laws to reverse wrongful adoptions. In the USA an adoption can be revoked if further evidence that it was the wrong decision but there is no legal route to do that here.

I’m worried because I feel something.

I am worried that I’m going to find out things that will make me unsettled again. I am the kind of person who likes to know everything about whatever is going on, but at the same time I’m scared about what will come out when it comes to the finer details. I have an intuitive sense thing going on tonight which is making me feel like I am going to find out something that is going to throw me really badly. I don’t know what it is but I have that feeling. I’m not anxious so it’s not that.

As much as I want to tie up the loose ends of things that have happened over time, I am afraid of what might come out. The truth could be so much worse than I ever imagined about things and other people. I don’t want to believe any of the awful things that may come out. But, in another way, I am pretty sure that the reality around me is going to uncover unsavoury truths about others that surround me or things I’ve been involved in. I’m just wanting a peaceful life. I don’t want any issues from external sources. I’m keeping myself to myself but sometimes just by being in the wrong place at the wrong time is just enough to get things directed my way. I can’t be any more careful than I already am being right now. I’m extremely afraid of what I am feeling intuitively. I just don’t want any nasty surprises right now or to find out anything that totally shocks me because I just can’t process it at this moment in time without it having a major impact on my wellbeing.