It is 16th April. It would have been my Son’s 7th birthday. All those that know me are aware that my Son was forcibly adopted at nearly 2 years old. This is the first year that I haven’t been tearful on the day. I’m more numb now. I feel drained today. I had a Bath extremely early and am already ready to go to Bed. I will probably have an early night after I’ve done a few things that need doing before I fall asleep. I hope that Jonny is having a happy birthday. I went for a long walk today to forget so that I didn’t really have time to think about the date.
I feel numb now and like all my energy has been drained. I have hardened up because I had to do that. It doesn’t mean that I am not still affected. I just don’t feel sad about things anymore. I’m not even angry about them either. I am just indifferent. I have learned not to feel emotions because this is always used against me. In this modern world we get punished for feeling things emotionally. It is seen as abnormal to actually care about things. We are all supposed to be robots that just follow orders no matter how awful the given tasks may be. I do miss my Son but trauma from lots of things that have happened to me has left me emotionally numb. I don’t feel anymore. I don’t feel hurt or happiness anymore. It makes a huge improvement from spending the last part of my life feeling hurt from various things. I’d rather feel nothing because I don’t get hurt by anything or anyone then.