This week has felt so long. It is so hard regarding privacy. How do I actually describe what I do in my life?

I haven’t been ignoring anyone. I have barely been online this week. I think I’ve only replied to a few emails and Twitter because they go to my phone. The new boiler was fitted in my flat today. The plumber arrived at 8am this morning so it has felt like a long day. I am glad that this is out the way because I don’t like people in my flat much. I haven’t felt well recently so I would rather be less chatty with others and on my own. I just feel really awful at certain times of the month because my iron levels plummet sometimes even when I’m on the medication that is supposed to stop it going that way. I’ve been told that my iron will go back to normal levels within 6 months but getting there is going to be hell. I get extremely tired and don’t want to do much or be social.

I keep getting asked what I do for a living and other questions I don’t feel comfortable answering. I would rather keep most of my life private after I was judged so much in the past when I was open about things.  When it comes to my landlord, I don’t want to be judged and lose my home. I do a lot but I don’t get paid for any of it because it’s not an average type job. I write and I do Art work but that isn’t a career due to not yet being good enough to be paid in that department. It is also pot luck whether you get published or commissioned in those fields. I enter things a lot in regards to Art work but not so much writing. I entered a short story in an Anthology which was being sold to raise money for a Cancer and Homeless charity. I have done those things on and off over the last few years. I can’t do too much on top of things I am also doing, eg. finishing my education. I still can’t take on too much extra bits right now because I am finishing off my Maths level 2 as I haven’t passed it yet. I’m hoping that I’ve done that soon as I’m nearly able to do most of the questions without difficulty. I will then have more time until October when I start my Undergraduate Law degree via the Open University. I am going to study full time hours so for those 3 years I will be scaling back on things again. I don’t want to take 6 years over it otherwise I’ll be approaching 40 when I finish it.

I then get asked why I want to do the degree that I have decided to do from October this year. That is also hard to go into unless I give too much away. I don’t want people to think I’m some trouble maker when I have only ever done certain things to get positive changes to happen. I had the guts (despite being a quiet shy youngster) to go up against those that abuse their positions in this area from my early teen years. This degree will give me letters behind my name which they cannot dispute once I’ve graduated. I can go up against the powers that be on a moral level but professionally I have no ability to make an impact. I need to work hard to prove that I am credible. I just want to be taken seriously in regards to the abilities and intelligence that I actually possess. I’m not just Autistic and a person who has been labelled a criminal for their issues. I need to take a chance in life to actually officially make some kind of career (even if I never get paid any money for pushes for changes). I would like to be seen as less of an activist and more officially qualified to challenge the authorities on their wrongdoings. I can challenge them now but I have no power to use specific knowledge via professional knowledge that can push for the changes Autistics (like myself) need. I saw a lot in that Prison when I was inside for that month before my sentence was overturned via appeal. I want to change things for people like those I met in there. The whole system is wrong and I can’t do anything about it unless I really apply myself to fixing the problem. I’m never going to be over the things that have happened to me any more than I currently am. I’m as mentally okay as I’m ever going to be. I’m not going to improve more than this because forced adoption of a child is something that is impossible to truly get over. Then the fact that I don’t trust people isn’t going to change after my experiences. I’m going to have to work with who I am now even though it’s quite a broken shell compared to what I used to be.

One thought on “This week has felt so long. It is so hard regarding privacy. How do I actually describe what I do in my life?

  1. I feel you on a lot of things here, I have had to deal the the foster cps system, wrongly jailed and judged for whom people perceive me to be and not whom I truly am. I wish you all the best! 🙂

    Like

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