I don’t think I was actually ready to go back out there because I’m not feeling too great now. I do really want to go back out there and start ‘living’ again after all the things I’ve been through. I keep having the strangest dreams. Most of them are verging on nightmares. I think that my head is just not up to getting back into life yet. I have been utterly exhausted over the last two days. I have slept a lot and am still tired. I don’t think I’m up to the things that I thought I could do. Writing, Art work and even the blog is feeling too much for me right now. I just don’t have what it takes to succeed in anything.
I get those around me encouraging me to think positively about work. I’m told that I’m creative and that I should use that in some capacity of work. It’s not about being ‘positive’. That doesn’t make me any more able to get through every day life. Or having the energy to get through every day life. I may never do other things that others can do. I may have talent but I am only average at the very most when it comes to writing and art things. I get far too tired when it comes to social interaction. I’m never going to not be naturally anxious every time I have plans or I have to communicate with others in every day life. I am unable to ‘switch that off’. I know that my Parent’s (due to the fact my Mother has told me) expected me to do all the get married, go to university, have a good career and have children. My Mother still expects this to become my destiny. The fact of the matter remains that I may never work, get married or have any more children. I don’t want to be in a relationship. I barely even do friendships due to not being able to trust anyone anymore. I know that others can’t understand why I want to live my life in that way. I will never be someone who socialises with ‘friends’ a lot. I am very much a single entity. In all honesty, I don’t feel able to work yet. I always wanted to but I can’t even concentrate on tasks at home without feeling like my brain is overwhelmed.
I try to make myself live a life that is expected of ‘normal’ people but I get exhausted trying to keep up. I feel like I’ll always be a disappointment to those around me. I’m also feeling like I don’t deserve to have anything positive happen to me because of what has happened in my life. The landlord is decent enough to put in a new boiler in my flat. I actually said to a friend that I didn’t think I deserved to have a brand new boiler in my flat. I should be punished every day of my life in some way for what makes me different. I don’t feel like I deserve to live in a place where the landlord is actually decent and repairs the place.