I had to go home earlier from my relatives than I planned today. This was due to not really being in a great frame of mind because of today being Mother’s Day. I just feel emotionally drained. I didn’t want to wake up today. Even when I was awake I wanted to just go back to bed. It’s harder for me as my son gets older because I think of him growing up celebrating Mother’s Day with a woman who isn’t his biological Mother. I don’t even know who adopted him but I hate them now as I tired to make an effort to get unofficial letterbox contact via a private arrangement (due to no contact order being made when the adoption order was granted). I told them that I didn’t want to upset their family but I just wanted to hear about my son once a year. I just wanted to have a token while he was growing up. They didn’t even reply to my letter to tell me that they didn’t think it was suitable for them. The letters go through the postbox department of the local council and the woman in that department said she would forward anything she got from them. This was 4 years ago. I waited patiently in hope that they would at least think about things and write that they weren’t comfortable with private contact arrangements being made between us using the postbox as the go between so they didn’t have to give their address out.
I’ve heard of other parents that have learning disabilities or Autism never seeing their child again, even as an adult. Most of the biological children of those with disabilities aren’t even told that they were adopted. They assume that keeping that information from them is protecting them from knowing that they came from someone who wasn’t genetically perfect. I’m sure that all the adoptive parents are perfect genetically because social services have ‘approved’ them. I long to see him again. But, like everything I want in life, I’m denied it because I’m just not allowed to have anything. I don’t have views that count due to having an ‘abnormal’ brain. I just don’t want to do anything right now. I was even close to cancelling all I have on this week. I’m hoping that I’ll feel less depressed and not be emotionally crippled so much that I am too tired to do anything tomorrow.