I have only popped on tonight because this week has been a little bit mad and I’m heading for an earlier night (not much though). I really feel that we are living in complete chaos and conflict at this moment in time. Brexit is fuelling a vast amount of hate in the UK between different groups of people. The MP’s are getting openly threatened with death threats etc here. I never thought a simple vote could result in so much outward hatred between everyone. I think every one of us that is different has had an increase of hate and intolerance directed our way since the vote in the UK. This leads me swiftly on to tonight’s topic. There are two important things that I’d like to raise in tonight.
The first is the amount of money being earned by managers and CEO types at the head of Autism and mental health charities. The money would be more justified if there was noticeable progress in change of attitudes and legislation from the work of the charities. There are many of us that are suffering having to live with these conditions. We don’t get to live comfortably. In the UK Autism community alone, there is over an 80% unemployment rate (adult population). Meanwhile the CEO’s of the charities which are supposed to be working towards improving the lives earn up to 90k a year. If a lot of their wages were put back into the work that is required to improve the lives of the people that they help, then there would be a major change in the figure above. Or, even if CEO’s gave their money directly to the services that have been cut, this would mean that more people in need could use those under funded services currently full of red tape.
That red tape is there to make things as cheap to run as possible. I just find it terrible in regards to the horrendous amounts of money being put into the managerial wages. I know some people that are now quite high up from way back. I don’t recognise some of those that I used to know because the lifestyle of that amount of cash has completely changed them. They are no longer doing the job to specifically help people. I have seen very negative changes in those individuals. I make my feelings very well know and I’m sure they don’t like it … but I’m being honest. I no longer feel that they speak for us or that they are really committed to getting the changes we need to happen. It is becoming a toxic industry in how it is ran and how Autistic people’s voices / people with mental illness aren’t ‘heard’. They’re drowned out by the hype and commercialism of charities supposed to represent them.
The second is how society treats Autistic people or/and mental health problems. I think it is important to plainly point out how we are impacted by the way we get treated. I’ve been in an ATU (Autistic Treatment Unit) a long time ago. Those experiences traumatise you because you’re living with potentially violent patients. I was told that this place was a ‘place of safety’, however, I was attacked by another patient that heard voices. I was on constant alert for the rest of the time that I stayed in the hospital (only just arrived there at that time) and in the companies residential care home. I couldn’t relax for years because I was always fearful within those clinical environments. I got used to ‘watching my back’ and always being on high alert. I’ve been in Police cells and courts several times. I now cannot stand small cold spaces. I hear certain noises which is like the hum of police cell lights when I am about to sleep at night. I then can’t sleep. If I do manage to sleep then I have nightmares.
I feel like I’m some kind of disease because of others not wanting to see me due to my Autism traits. Health and safety gone mad type policies stopping you from working with others if it goes wrong with them. That made me feel like a disease from the time when I first got excluded from school as a teenager. This led to me having a Painkiller addiction from an early age. I have taken them on and off in excessive amounts since I was a teenager (now 31 and have all the signs of Kidney damage). I hear you ask how is that linked? If others make you feel like some kind of disease then there is absolutely no self love/worth there. The lack of self love/worth leads to self destructive things like addiction. I’m trying to come off the Painkillers, but I always buy another box. It doesn’t help that at Christmas they were advertising this particular painkiller on television and how prominently they put them on display at the Pharmacies.
Society doesn’t understand how it’s conditioning certain groups of people. I have been conditioned to feel that I’m just not ‘good enough’…. I’m ‘awful’…. I’m ‘below others’ when it comes to human rights. I feel that society doesn’t even attempt to understand or work with those of us who ‘think differently’ or ‘function differently’. They don’t understand how much distress that they cause us by their actions. The rules and regulations seem counterproductive in regards to the fact that they do not deescalate the situation, instead they normally escalate things and turn them into an issue that should have never happened. I no longer want to be open and honest with others because I feel that I will be punished for being different. I will be judged for the life experiences that I’ve had (eg. losing my baby to adoption). I will just get blamed for reacting to situations where I was constantly pushed to breaking point. I know that I’ll never be the same again after what I have been through. I remain traumatised and all I originally wanted was a friend from a young age. It was as simple as that but was blown up into something that it wasn’t because I always retaliated after being punished for my Autistic traits.