I don’t want to end my life but can’t stand suffering any longer.

I got others thinking that I was suicidal after last night’s post. I’m not in that frame of mind but I just want my suffering to end. I’m so fed up of being ill all the time. I also got a migraine and started taking the painkillers that I was addicted to after weeks of successfully staying off of them. I know that they’re poisoning me but I can’t stop completely. I don’t take loads a day but I feel even two to four a day spread out is doing my organs no good. I just feel ‘off’ and have lower back ache after taking them for a few days. I’m smart enough to know that the addiction will probably kill me one day. However, the habit is hard to break completely. I reach for those painkillers when I’m frustrated with life and things I cannot change. I don’t know why I even take them anymore because it doesn’t have the same effect of de-stressing me as it had a long time ago. They hurt my stomach but that isn’t enough to stop taking them until I’ve finished the box. I can then resist buying them for a while until my brain is stupid and feels that it is a good idea when walking passed the chemist a few weeks later. It’s just like an alcoholic passing a pub. You know that it makes you feel awful if you go there but that doesn’t put you off at all.

I already have health problems which make me feel terrible, so I shouldn’t be adding anything else to the mix. I’m anaemic so I always feel tired anyway. I progressively feel more wound up the more I consume the painkillers. I wish that they still did the opposite but I’m tolerant of them now. I have been on and off of them since I was a teenager. I know that my Dad would be horrified that I still take them if he was still alive. But there are times when I wouldn’t mind joining him because life is like one long road which is exhausting for me. It isn’t being suicidal but needing a rest emotionally and physically (when my iron levels are low). Emotionally I’m worn out after losing my son to adoption, then the university situation and all the things that happened in my past before the recent things. I long for a break. Even a holiday wouldn’t be a break because existing is exhausting after a person has been through trauma. I have a brain which is always active. It never stops thinking, even when I’m asleep. I can get tired by having a dream because my mind is active. I don’t wake up feeling like I’ve had a rest on a daily basis. Occasionally I have fallen into a deep sleep during the day without dreaming and when I have woken up it’s like I’ve actually been sleeping. That doesn’t happen often though. I would like to feel properly rested but I don’t because I just can’t ever settle after everything.

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