I am trying my best okay.

I have tried so hard this week but I keep feeling quite tired. I managed to go for a walk but then I don’t get things in my flat done and it starts looking a mess. I can’t balance things. I get depressed because I don’t like mess. I’m too tired to clean up the bits in my flat that are really making me feel worse. I just feel like I’m struggling to keep climbing an imaginary wall to just get through life day by day. I’m trying to drink more water which I’m so far achieving. I found it harder at first. However, it does get easier. The habit of coming in from whatever I’ve been doing and always making a cup of tea is something that takes a while to stop. I won’t drink tea after 8pm. Instead I drink water if I get thirsty. Although I do regret drinking anything too late because I have to keep getting up to go to the toilet.

I can’t sleep at night anyway at the moment which doesn’t help me establish a proper sleep pattern to get into a routine to do things during the day. I have so little enthusiasm for life that it is hard to want to do anything. I just don’t think I’m ready to do things now. I need time and space. I’m not going to be over things that have happened to me for a long time. I feel rushed even by my own demands I place on myself. I’ve got people around me saying do this or that but my head is elsewhere most of the time. I’m not present because I have too much still bugging me in my head about the past. I know there are people reading this assuming that the past shouldn’t affect a person now or that by keeping myself busy in the present it will help. That isn’t how it works. I have tried keeping myself busy but underneath I have been crumbling and I wasn’t aware of how broken I was until I ended up exhausted and in a complete mess. I am physically affected by the things I’ve been through too. I must be run down because I’ve had a cold for months. It isn’t normal to have a cold that long. The amount of times I have to blow my runny nose drives me absolutely bonkers.

I am aware that regaining emotional strength is harder than physical strength (well it has been that way in my case). At this moment in time it feels like I will never get there. That I’m always going to be broken due to the past. Then I feel awful that others that have had horrendous pasts have managed to carry on with life but I haven’t managed to get over the trauma. It makes me feel like I’m overly sensitive and should just ‘get over it’. I’m fighting to get through every day without PTSD symptoms or exhaustion attacking me. I’m a strong person because I’ve had to be but it is feeling like a massive battle nowadays. I was a lot more resistant when I was younger than I am now. I never got ill with stress apart from feeling sick when I was stressed. Stress actually makes me physically sick now. On my first reflexology session the person doing it could feel stored stress in my body. Luckily the treatments have released it a bit now but I’m far from back to normal yet. That was many years worth of stress built up inside me because I had no way of stopping what was happening around me.

Then I get various professionals trying to be helpful but not realising that they’re actually technically making me feel insulted. I recently had one suggest skills for life courses to me. The type of skills for life that those with profound learning disabilities attend. I know how to do things but right now am too damaged to be able to function to do them. Even if I learned to be organised etc my brain will never be able to be organised while it’s in this state. It’s not working enough to learn to function right now. I’ve been to the GP several times but they do not help to correct how dissociative my mind has become over the last few years. Even if it’s a reaction to trauma there is medication that can treat this really annoying side effect of the trauma. People can develop mental illness due to trauma and it does stop their brains functioning properly.

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