There is something that really continues to bug me and causes me a lot of hurt. I struggle with this one thing because of what has happened. The feeling that in comparison to others I’m undeserving. Or that I deserve less than others to certain people. It’s not fair. I’m deeply affected by how I’ve been treated. And while orders are indefinite this is always how it’s going to make me feel for a long time. I did everything that I could to try to get others to understand my Autism which would have prevented everything that has happened. I’m expected to just carry on with life like nothing has happened. I was expected to do that after my son’s adoption too. I can’t do that when I know both things and many over events in my life were caused by others discriminating against me. The fact that I reacted to that discrimination and the way I was treated is natural. There is no way that anyone wouldn’t react to those things. And to be punished technically forever for those reactions and my autism traits combined is out of order. I apologised but it was never enough and I was even punished for trying to do the right thing. I was let down time and time again but I am the one that has to pay for being let down. I am the one that has PTSD symptoms making it impossible for me to function properly in life. I’m not a monster. I always wanted a friend in an innocent way. I am like a child socially and I lack experience. I have absolutely no malice in me. However, my mind is telling me the opposite with things remaining as they are right now, as well as how I’ve been treated by others.
The effects of all this on me is severe. I am starting to feel mentally broken. I am just that tired from how life has been for me that I’m literally finding it hard to function. I got on with things for a very long time pushing everything I felt to the back of my mind. It was still destroying me. I’m even affected by Prison mentally which has only just started to manifest to me. Trauma builds up. I was never very happy with what happened but the trauma has came outwards since I ended up in Prison. In all honesty I barely survived in there. I just felt overwhelmingly stressed 24/7 in that environment because I couldn’t get out until the court released me. I can’t shake the feeling above. I find it distressing that I am technically seen as so undeserving that I could be treated that way by someone. I can’t shake that and I’m forming self hatred thinking that I am evil etc.