This is the most awful thing about how I’m affected by everything that has happened to me.

I have one thing that really bugs me about continuing to be affected by everything that has happened to me in the hands of the system and various organisations. I’m expected to take responsibility for my faults (even though I didn’t ask for my issues relating to my disability) but others don’t take responsibility for their mistakes or actions against me which has permanently damaged me. It isn’t right. Those individuals and organisations that let me down and basically caused my life to come crashing down won’t take responsibility for those things.

Those things that were done to me had a major impact on my life which damaged my mental health. The things that had been done to me in my teenage years was the reason why the services decided to put my son on a pre birth plan in the first place. It put me at risk of losing my son from the start. The things that have been put on my record because of people and organisations letting me down has stopped me progressing in life. I get asked to leave place because organisations (e.g. education places) have an excuse to not support my needs due to what’s been put on my record. Those things were put on my record in the first place as a opt out on health and safety terms at school because they simply had no idea about Autism back then. The schools in this country are still letting nearly every single child with the PDA form of Autism down on the same clauses now. All of us both in the past and present will never get an apology for being let down.

Others are expecting to lay all the guilt and blame on me. I don’t deserve to take the blame completely in regards to many things that have happened. Why should I feel terrible for my part of things that were my fault when others aren’t taking responsibility? They aren’t affected at all but expect me to feel horrendously guilty and awful for things that happened. I only reacted to things that were done to me. I reacted to being let down. I didn’t start the situation by refusing to support me. I didn’t quote health and safety clauses to push me out of places. I reacted to the awful things that were done to me and I’m supposed to take all the blame according to others. That isn’t right. I wish for an apology or at least an acknowledgement that I was repeatedly failed. That has never happened and I’m doubtful that it ever will. Meanwhile I live with the pain of PTSD symptoms due to the way I’ve been treated by the system. I have to live with the self hatred which I’ve had embedded in me by those that have tried to make me feel guilty for the way I reacted to things. I’m broken for the rest of my life. I’m never going to fully recover because I was repeatedly let down for the first 30 years of my life. I can’t trust people again. I can’t truly relax even at home due to things that have happened. I actually believe that I am truly evil and don’t deserve to have a positive life in the future. 

I cannot settle tonight.

I just cannot settle tonight. I get PTSD symptoms due to things that have happened in my life quite badly at night. I end up reliving everything again and again. I’m tortured constantly by those things. They loop in my head non stop. Even the things that people have said to me continues to rip me apart. I never used to be the type of person who was afraid of everything. I’m very nervous around others now and try to avoid going out to be away from people. I associate being around people with being let down and I only see them as a source of trauma or pain. I cannot move on from the past if I keep getting flashbacks and having nightmares.