Busy ‘avoiding’ things that I have to do.

I didn’t even want to get up today. I had barely any sleep last night because my head just was too awake. I started the novel that I have been telling myself I’ll write for 3 months. I missed an important text message earlier because I forgot to turn on my notification sounds. I am definitely struggling on the functioning side at this moment in time. I can’t keep my head on what it’s supposed to be focused on. I’m always trying to do one particular thing while my head is off thinking about something else. And… it isn’t what people may assume. I just have my head on one task when I’m doing something completely different. I don’t feel present. I’m glad that I don’t have a job like this because I would surely mess it up and get myself fired.

I am aware of how disorganized my life has become recently. It has been drifting that way for a very long time. I accept it as part of me. That is who I am. I don’t even think organised so how can I be organised? Disorganized people have the ability to be successful but they have to work around how their brain operates. I’ve given up on the idea of being successful at anything in life. If I don’t want success in any of my ventures then it’s not going to hurt me when things blow up in my face… as they usually do as illustrated by past events. If I don’t care about things or people then absolutely nothing can cause the unbearable hurt that I’ve already felt in life. I never want to feel like that ever again. I have found it difficult to become a non caring detached type because that was never me. I can’t function yet because I’m not used to being this way. It takes a while for my brain to adjust to things. I am caused significant distress during that process and my functioning isn’t great. I know that I can’t keep avoiding things that I need to do but that doesn’t stop me trying to do exactly the opposite.