Apparently today is the most depressing day of the entire year. I can’t really say that for me it has been any more depressing than other days of the year. I have still got a lot of things to sort in my flat. That is getting me down because just looking at it feels like it’s too much for me. I know that making a start on things is the hardest part. This seems to be where my PDA (pathological demand avoidance) really puts up a resistance. I just have a brain that wants to see tasks I find tedious as huge overwhelming mountains. The psychological perception of these tasks are skewed in my head. I even find it hard to make my brain agree to straighten my hair at times.
It isn’t a case of being lazy. I am just unable to deal with the sensory input which is involved in those tasks some days. I don’t like the way my brain seems to resist doing things but I have to just deal with it. There is no way of minimising the affects of PDA type Autism. There’s a constant battle going on in your head on a daily basis. When people used to tell me to stop with my behaviour issues this became a demand which my brain would strongly resist. I would then end up doing more of what got frustrating for others around me. I got highly distressed myself because I didn’t want to be that way towards others due to the fact that it pushed any potential friends away. I had to tell my brain that I wasn’t going to be that way otherwise I couldn’t do it since it just seemed like it was a demand due to others telling me not to do it. I used to want friends so badly so it wasn’t easy to make less effort in that area.
I’m extremely tired today due to not sleeping well last night, which doesn’t help when it comes to getting the energy to do things in the flat. I did attempt to have a nap earlier but I woke up without any energy even after that. I’m in bed before 10pm tonight hoping to sleep a full 8 hours or more (if I can stay asleep that long). The cats have already made themselves comfortable but sometimes wake me up in the middle of the night wanting to go outside. I am trying to train them in this department but it’s quite difficult with cats being generally nocturnal in nature.