I have had nightmares for the last few nights. It is stressing me out because it makes the hurt of the things I’ve been through feel raw again. I also feel quite guilty because I didn’t want another person to lose their job. I know that others tell me it’s karma but I’m not an awful person who wanted karma to do that. It was my fault. I misunderstood things and I never knew what triggered everything until recently. I didn’t want to end someone’s career. I turn to painkillers to dull my feelings of guilt and the trauma of the things I’ve been through eg. Prison, Police Cells as well as my son’s adoption. I did stay off of them for a bit but then I start having nightmares and feeling traumatised again. I’m being referred to counselling but there is only so much that therapy can possibly repair. I’ve got emotional scars for life that I’ll never completely heal from. The guilt consumes me on a daily basis. I hate myself because I messed up and I have self hatred because I cared about the other person involved. I felt so bad the other day that I nearly walked in front of a Car because that is what I deserved. That would make things right.