I’m still around, just not on the blog.

I am aware that I have been quieter than normal on here. I am still around but not felt like blogging at the moment. I’m just tired a lot. Everything just feels like too much effort. I try to do simple things around the flat which shouldn’t take much energy but I feel like I’ve ran a marathon. I haven’t even gone for a walk since about Thursday. I think that was the last time but I don’t remember specifics anymore. I have the worse short term memory at the best of times. I therefore try to convert many things into long term memory (I have great long term memory).

I would love to go for a walk but I don’t feel up to it right now. I am far too tired all the time. I get really stressed out because I haven’t finished all the things that I was going to do in regards to tidying and clearing out my flat. I have to have regular breaks and sometimes I’m far too tired to go back to what I was doing the same day. The fact that I haven’t even had the energy to write a blog entry is not like me. I feel like I’m climbing a massive hill from the moment that I wake up on a daily basis. I got so exhausted yesterday that I nearly cried. I just felt that I was constantly fighting a losing battle with this tiredness. I can’t deal with the constant daily struggle and it’s not like I can sleep a lot to get rid of this exhaustion feeling because it doesn’t go away.

I feel like a let down due to not being as productive as normal. I’m not able to be the way I used to be. I cannot go the Gym anymore (haven’t been since June and even then I was barely going so cancelled membership after contract ran out). I can barely even go for a walk without getting tired. I don’t drive the Car on some days due to how tired I’m feeling. I don’t even go out at all some days which is not like me. I used to be out every single day even if it was just for a walk. I realise that I’m getting older but I’m only in my early 30s. I do admit that I could have damaged my body due to certain habits I’ve had in the past but so have many people and they’re not knackered by their early 30s.

I may be better with a slower paced life but I want a bit more energy than I currently have. I don’t enjoy walking as much anymore. I certainly don’t even like the thought of the Gym anymore. It all seems a hell of a lot of effort. I do not want to get fat but I also am not a huge fan of exercise anymore. I’m not the type to say screw it I’d rather be bigger than exercise, but I’m also not fussed if I gain a few extra pounds anymore. I’m not naturally skinny. I feel that I’m fighting a losing battle as I age because my body is getting wider. I have to also admit that staying skinny is a massive task that doesn’t help when you’re already suffering from exhaustion. The saying ‘nothing tastes as good as being thin feels’ is totally true but also restricting calories is a miserable existence. I’ve done all of that for a long time throughout my 20’s and I just feel like I’ve matured enough not to give a crap about being a size 8 or 10. I’m going to be fighting a losing battle if I genetically follow the body shape of my family anyway. They have all ‘spread’ as they’ve got older. They aren’t what I’d call fat but quite curvy. I’m starting not to care about the way I look so much. That is for women in their 20’s and teenagers to be concerned about now. I’m no longer at that stage. I just want to be me without having to wear a mask in so many different ways.