I was awake, bathed, dressed and out by half 8 this morning. I came back to do some housework (slowly working through it due to preventing complete burn out) and now having a rest because I can feel the tiredness hit me. I haven’t walked for 2 days due to not having a huge amount of energy. I went out there this morning to my Car. I felt absolutely frozen just by going out there briefly. I like being in my warm flat this time of the year with my Cats. They barely go out when it’s cold. I think I’m actually becoming one of them. It would better to be a Cat than a human. Sleeping all day, Food on demand just by looking at their human, Unconditional love regardless of whether you act like a grumpy little sh*t or scratch things you’re not supposed to.
I have to redecorate my flat because they scratched the wallpaper when they were kittens. I had to save up to fix their mess which has been difficult due to all the benefit issues during last year. I don’t go out a lot now. I’m starting to go out less and less so I want my flat to be homely. This is what is important to me at this point of my life. I need to be able to rest in surroundings that don’t feel stressful. I am going to move at some point but when I feel ready. I couldn’t move while recovering from burn out. I don’t know how long this tiredness is going to last. I’m sure that my landlord will be okay with me staying here another year. I do want to move eventually but now is not the time. I need to rest because I’m not fully over things that have happened in the past. I don’t feel it mentally so much now. I physically feel quite battered and tired. We all change. I was affected by stress my entire life but I was resilient enough to brush it off when I was younger. I can’t do that anymore. I simply cannot deal with any sort of conflict without it making me ill. I may never be able to work because of how stress affects me. I’d love to work one day but conflict and stress is a major part of working life. I just want to live a peaceful life now. I’m not the same person that I used to be. I just don’t want to focus on what happened in the past anymore because that causes me stress. I now know the answers to questions which has stopped me holding onto that anger. I’m still hurt over things but it’s too stressful for me to focus on now that I know things I previously didn’t.
I haven’t even washed my hair yet this week because I’ve felt that tired. I am going to do it later today because I’ve put olive oil on the ends as a pre conditioning treatment (keeping moisture in thick hair that likes to go frizzy). I could leave it until tomorrow but I can’t keep putting things off when I actually have some energy to do tasks. I’ve ran out of energy after doing half the housework already. I just want to be alone until I feel less tired. I’m not really useful to anyone else in this state. I need to just get through the next few months. I’m sure when it gets warmer I will feel more like going out again. I don’t like cold weather. I feel less anxious staying in my flat away from people. I go out at hours when there is not many people around. I like my own space now. I go out early to avoid the crowds in Supermarkets etc. I used to crave friends but now I’m completely unbothered whether I have friends or not.