Firstly, some of the blog posts have been deleted because of others objecting to me mentioning things on here. Secondly, my Twitter and Facebook profile is now set to friends only. That doesn’t mean that others have permission to freely add me. If I say no then it’s a no you cannot add me. I have to approve the requests before anyone can follow me on Twitter for instance. I’m also not being so open anymore since discovering how people referred to me between each other. I feel extremely awful for things that have happened. I already feel guilty without input from others. I feel things and I’ve also heard a vast amount of things. That has made me completely confused on top of being emotionally affected by everything.
I’m not going to try to make friends again because I don’t have the social skills and there is no guarantee that I’ll ever master those skills. Asperger/Autistic people can learn them but when you add learning disabilities and slight brain damage (from my accident and being treated with medication for epilepsy unnecessarily as a child – common knowledge already) into the mix it complicates things. I can tell by how I feel that making my brain do stuff is not going to be an easy task. I get tired trying to stop it making stupid decisions on a daily basis. I feel like I’m battling it 24/7. I have tried to explain this to people like my GP and Psychiatrists in the past but they just tell me to go away and deal with it myself. People wonder why I’m so exhausted even when I’ve slept properly (rarely but it does occasionally happen). I’m battling my brain to try to be ‘normal’ every single day of my life. Masking is also tiring. That is why I go out less now and don’t do socialising because it’s a huge effort to mask and stop my brain ruining things. I like my own company more than I used to do. I would rather spend time doing things on my own which doesn’t cause sensory overload. I don’t have to deal with demands or fight my brain if I avoid certain things and do things which don’t feel like I’m being overwhelmed. The tinted glasses I got helps when it comes to getting overloaded by light but not noises.
Until PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance Autism) is properly recognised, as well as supported appropriately by councils country wide then this is how I have to live my life. Most of those with this type of Autism are being admitted to ATU’s (Autistic Treatment Units) nowadays. I’ve already been in one as a teenager. I’m still in touch with those that I met in that place. They have all been left with a negative outlook on life. We were all drugged up on antipsychotics despite Autism not being classed as a mental illness. I don’t think much has changed at these ATU’s from what I’ve heard from Parents who are campaigning to get their children (teenagers and grown adults) out of that kind of system.
I was never completely happy as a child/teenager but after being in one of those places I became chronically stressed and miserable. That has stayed with me even since I got out of the residential home I was sent to after the ATU. I gained a lot of weight. I went in there weighing approximately 8 and a half stone (10-12 size). I came out of there at 14 and a half stone (16 size). I’m only built small at 5 ft 2 and a tiny shoe size 3. That is a hell of a lot for someone of my size in just 2 years. I no longer like people touching my possessions because of being in residential home living with another girl who just walked into my room to borrow stuff without asking. She didn’t know that this was wrong despite me telling her to ask me first before just taking stuff. That is why I am quite understanding and will put up with a lot before I suddenly snap. We had to live together somehow so I kind of became resilient to most things. It’s different when you’re constantly kicked down because to me that is something I’ll never build a resistance towards.
I just get extremely wound up when things repeatedly go wrong. I just feel like I never seem to actually have any actual good luck. I have had so much more bad luck. I wish it could be more balanced. I have always been in the wrong place at the worse times. It’s like I have an actual talent for that and being completely socially inept. I don’t know how I can actually use those talents for anything positive or to go places in life. I’m clumsy in general. I am someone who can fall over their own feet completely sober. I certainly can’t act sober when I’m drunk because I can barely walk in a proper straight line when I haven’t drank alcohol. I was never any good at playing Sports because of my lazy eye. I cannot see things in an exact alignment. I’m okay driving but if someone throws a ball towards me I certainly I probably wouldn’t catch it. I will probably need glasses all the time when I’m older but luckily at the moment I only need them for reading etc.
At the moment I’m not up to doing a lot. I can’t even be bothered to straighten my hair. It’s a thick matted mess right now. I put in it a plait before I went to bed but that’s as much as I feel like doing to it right now. I’m just worn out and just want to have a break from life. I just need time out to get over things that have happened. I don’t feel like I have the energy to go onto anything new because I’ll just crumble and end up not engaging due to how depressed I am. I used to have a spark but that is well and truly gone now. I don’t feel that it will ever be reignited. How can it be if I continue to remain this exhausted even when I actually sleep? I don’t feel like I deserve any happiness because of everything that I am feeling guilty for doing in the past. I look at myself in the mirror and hate everything I see in front of me. I don’t see anything that is not evil in me. I know that I’m going to whatever is hell when my life is over. It’s too late to change my final destination now at the age I’ve reached. I have sealed my fate throughout my life so far even if I never actually meant to do things.
Diary of a Painfully Shy Introvert Blog 