I can sleep for hours and still wake up tired. It is getting annoying. I never get anything done. The state of my flat is quite messy and needs a clean but because I’m sleeping they never get done. I made it worse earlier today by popping in my flat with dirty shoes on to fetch my purse (which I stupidly forgot). I can’t vacuum or clean at unsociable hours due to having neighbours around me. The only thing I get done at the moment per day is have a Bath. The Bath even needs cleaning (well wiping around). Yes it takes two seconds but the thought of cleaning even makes me tired.
I’m actually tired of feeling tired. It makes me more tired with things staying the way that they are between me and others. I don’t want it to be like it is anymore. I constantly subconsciously dig my heels in which wears me out. I literally wait on a daily basis in case others change their mind. In my heart I know that they won’t because the other person is just as stubborn as me. I just feel that eventually things will change. The order will be lifted and we can be friends. I won’t ever trust them again after throwing me in Prison but at least that order will be gone. Others tell me that I’m pinning all my hopes on something that won’t happen. Who is the damn Psychic one here? It may not be now as it’s too soon. But I know in the future. Near future that the other person will change their mind. They’ve taught me a lesson now. They did their purpose and once that lesson is learned things normally change in life.
I don’t have patience… probably going to have to learn that one before they’ll change their mind. However, patience is hard when you’re the type of person who has a brain that goes faster than it can actually process things. The stagnated situation is just exhausting for me. I feel everything. That isn’t a thing that I can turn off. It is making me tired all the time though and I can’t stop that affect on me. I just want things to be put to rest but it’s not going to be with an order in between us which is how it stands at the moment. It does bug me. I feel I’m not good enough or that my disability issues means I’m not likeable. Their rejection means I’m evil or whatever. Yes it’s got into my head. That is why I feel so evil and am sure that my soul is evil from karma or something. The self hatred that has got into me due to things that have happened is severe. I have actually said to myself that I hated me when I have looked in the mirror nearly on a daily basis. I now hate myself as a matter of routine. I don’t even care about my own wellbeing. I just exist. That is all I am… nothing.